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Starry, Starry Night

on December 6, 2006 - 10:28pm

What a beautiful evening it is. The air is crisp,the stars are ever so bright in the sky, and even the moon is glowing its beauty down onto the earth rather peacefully. The kids are sweetly asleep in their beds and I know I should be finding sleep myself but I do want to have some time for myself that isn't related to taking care of everything else but my own needs. It is nice to know that my life is more than just being a mom, or being a wife. My spouse is gone tonight, and I find myself enjoying this moment of quiet. It is a time when I don't have to explain my feelings to anyone, or work to make some one else happy. It is a time that I can just be me. These are precious times in deed.

I went outside a little while ago to just watch the moon in the sky as it glares down on to the world. I needed a moment outside of these walls to recapture something missing in me. I find it to be a beautiful place in time when a person can stop their busy life for even just a moment and appreciate the heavens and the earth for all its beauty. I don't know what it is, but looking at a moon lit sky always brings me to a whole new place of intimacy with myself. I don't mean that in a sexual way, I mean that I really feel deeply into my soul when I am alone with nature.The moon itself is a glorius pioece of nature. I stood in my back yard feeling a bit uncertain on how my life is going, and even feeling the pain still of what I have been through, and looked straight up into the sky. It was strange, because the excact place I was looking at, a shooting star appeared out of nowhere. What are the chances of that happening? It really me moved me in a way as I felt as if God some how was sending me a little message. Maybe he was letting me know that my uncertain feelings I have in my relationship will someday be resolved. Maybe he was telling me to keep wishing for things I believe in.Ok, maybe I might be reading more into it then it is, but isn't it nice to think of the possibilities that life is sending you these beautiful messages? Tears began falling from my eyes with no effort whats so ever. It was a spectacular moment to say the least. That is what is so great about small towns, is that not alot of lights to clutter up the beauty of the night time stars. A person could get lost just standing outside gazing up at them. I think I could have spent quite awhile out there just thinking about life. But the cold was getting to me, and I wanted to be close in case the kids woke up.

So, I came back in for just a few minutes of what I thought to be a special moment, and even though I still have my feelings of wondering if my life is going to change, I do feel better knowing that I can always find a part of me just by the simple act of looking at the stars. Knowing there is a place where I can escape to when I feel troubled is very reassuring. I know, sounds a bit over romantisized, but you know, sometimes it is better to be a little over the top then to be plain , boaring and not feeling anything at all.It feels good to be able to appreciate your own heart. It is nice knowing I can appreciate the little things. I wish more people would.

I now sit here at my desk, wondering if they are going to put the darn chat room back on FOJG. I miss the chatting there. James Taylor is playing on the TV in the back ground and adds even more to my current mood. I am not really sure what that is any more, but I am sure it will make my dreams tonight even more interesting. Maybe I should just go and sleep the feelings out. Anyway, second blog of this day and very greatful I have a place to vent. I know I go on about stuff, but thats me. Thanks for listening.......... Love ya!

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When children grow up!!

on December 6, 2006 - 9:11am

Well, the kids are off, and so am I. HAHAHAHA. I am just off for a whole other reason altogether. But it is nice to have two less kids here at the moment so hopefully maybe I can accomplish something today. Actually 3 kids if you count spouse. He is once again out of town so I get to do all the parenting myself. But what else is new. All I can say , parenting is the hardest job there is, not because of the phyical work involved, but the emotional strain it has. Especially when the kids are at an age to want to do things without their parents knowing about it. For example, my oldest daughter Emily, who will soon be 11, is now at an age where when things bother her, she does not open up to mom or dad. She has been complaing of a tummy ache lately, and usually right before she has to go to school. She was ok during the weekend, but when the week started again, it bothered her again. It was an obvious sign that something is bothering her. I try to get into her mind and see what is that is bothering her, but she clams up. Yes mom, it does sound familiar. Anyway, the more we talked, the more I realized that boys are starting to notice her. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! A day in which parents dread. Some of them are actually not really nice to her. WE all know what that means when a boy "pretends" to not like someone. I tried to explain to her that boys often do silly things because of their own uncertain feelings for girls, and that often hide it because of their friends opinions. I guess thats what peer pressure is about. But the more I talk about it, the more quiet she is. I wonder if what I say even gets into her head. I know it must be really hard to talk with parents, but what else can I do? I had the same problem growing up. I was dreadfully shy around almost everyone. It must be really hard to be a kid growing up in todays world. Seems to me a lot more pressure on kids to be more than they are.What ever happened to letting our kids be kids? I think as parents we need to do all we can to help change that. I kind of blame that on what they watch on TV, and see on magazines.The images that they see from those sources can make any child think they are less than perfect.It is really upsetting to see what it is doing to our youth. It is kind of why I stay away from that kind of influence as much as I can. But no matter what I do to protect my kids, they will still get information that is not always helpful. I so much want to keep communication open with her, because I think she really needs it.I think we both do. But, if she is anything like me, she will keep those feelings to herself as long as she can. I know I was like that for many years. Even now I am still trying to over come that. How do you teach a child to express the things the bother them inside without making them feel uncomfortable? How do you teach a child to express those feelings when the parent themselves has problems with it? Needless to say I feel like I have aged a few years over night! Probably all the more reason why I need to vent my thoughts out by writing them. Maybe I should get her to do the same thing!

Was trying to have some time to myself last night, so I went to my bedroom to do some more writing. But my middle child Sarah was so loud that I found it hard to concentrate. As much as I love this 8 year olds energy, her creativity, her always cheerfullness, her amazing ability to always have something to say, I have come to know that she has the biggest and loudest mouth on the planet. Yikes! Smooches to her. So, I couldn't any writing done so I just spent my time watching old Christmas cartoons in bed. I so love those holiday classics. Reminds me of back in my years growing up. I think my favriote was and probably still is, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. It is funny, I have alot of those movies on tape, but I still look forward to see them on TV. Even now I will check the listings to find out when the next one comes on. But now, out of all of them, Polar Express has really turned into one of my favriotes as well. Tom Hanks is so brilliant in it. I can watch anything that man does. Of course the end song is AMAZING too. Whats that singers name? LOL ......What is more fun then watching Christmas classics with a great cup of hot chocolate while lying in bed? I certainly wished everyone enjoyed that as much as I do. It keeps the young in my heart thats for sure.

Hope everyone has a happy day and remember the week is only half over......HAHAHHAHA! Keep smiling and go try to help a friend. My tip for today is don't sing in front of your kids if you can't actually sing. Especially when dropping them off at school.........

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A walk will make me think

on December 5, 2006 - 12:09pm

Good morning to the world. Nothing like waking up to whiteness all around you on a cold , but sunshine filled day. No, not snow, but lots of frost everywhere. It is about the closest we are going to get to a White Christmas. LOL. Well, I made myself go on a walk this morning after I dropped off son at preschool. I felt it was time to get back into the routine of doing my little daily adventures to help clear my mind. It was a beautiful walk as the coldness, the frost, the golden sun, and the sounds of beautiful music all fit nicely together. I think it was the first time I listened to my Awake cd on a walk. I must say it sounded absolutely beautiful. The song February Song seemed to make all the leaves from the trees stand out with even more color than usual. Maybe it was the fresh air that I was breathing that relaxed me. Maybe it was the peace and quiet of not having to calm one of the kids down. Maybe it was just the soothing voice of Groban in my ear. LOL... Either way, it refreshed me in a good way. It is a great start to a gorgeous day. I had a good routine of walking once before, but then I got sick. It is amazing how being sick can totally throw a person off a routine. Once you get off of it, it is hard to get back on. There always seemed to be an excuse not to do it. But I am making myself do it. No more excuses.

The one thing I really love about Gustine, is that it is small enough that when you do go on walks in the mid morning, everything is so quiet. Most people around here are working by then, so it is really a peaceful time. There is actually even something peaceful about watching the farmers as one walks down the back roads around here. Gustine is an older town, and is not a very rich town, so we see alot of farmers here. Its a way of life around here and has been for many years. There is something special about driving around downtown Gustine, or any of the neighboring towns and seeing hard working folks do their morning deliveries, and go on with their day not bothered by the fact they have to work just a bit more harder to get by. Honost labor is really a strength of this town. Many people aren't afraid to work. I find it truly inspiring. When I think about it, it actually keeps my own strength going too at times when I need it. I have noticed that it often brings residents closer because they know what it means to work hard. That is a cool thing to see. I also enjoy the fact I can go to the local store here and talk with the clerks as if I knew them. Do you ever go in to a store and just ask the people that work there how their day is going? Do you ever go in and just say thanks for doing their job? Or let them know that they did something good? It is actually common here. But as the years go by, and the town grows in population, I am afraid that that thoughtfullness or sincerity for others will get lost as the need for instant gratification, quicker service, easier access or whatever , becomes stronger. I can already see it happening. It is a shame too. What happened to good old hard work? What happened to appreciating those who do things for you? I know, so many questions....

Anyway, I could go on, but I won't. See what happens when I can clear my head? I tend to go off on what ever pops in my goofy head. A great walk will do that! Maybe tomorrow I will write nothing but thoughts on Josh, or Buble. Ok, I don't really have that kind of time......LOL!!!!!!!!If I did that, I may never get anything done at all.

Ok, before I went to bed last night I watched Super nanny on TV. WEll, I only watched part of it as it made me a bit upset to watch. A woman was on and she was basically slapping her kids around, punishing them harshly and had no problem doing it in front of the cameras either. What suprises me is she wonders why her kids act the way they do. Gee, I wonder! You can tell my sarcastic tone here right? It was so upsetting to see a person treat any child the way she did. The nanny confronted this woman about the situation and the womans response was " I hit, I yell, I grab...thats just who I am". That about made me sick. I went to bed after hearing that. I couldn't stand to watch any more. The sad thing about it was that that kind of behaviour happens more often then this country knows about. I wish there was more we can do to reach out to those children who really have no way of helping themselves.........!!

Another mind filled blog eh? HAHAHAHAH. I am a goober who thinks alot, what can I say. I hope everyone puts a little thought into their days. Thinking isn't really that bad. I know I joke about it, but it is nice to actually get deep into your own thoughts and explore everything about yourself. A person can actually learn something by just hearing their own thoughts. Try it, appreciate it, embrace it....... share it.

My tip for today.........Don't eat chili before a big date! No, I don't eat chili period!

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Peaceful turns to laughter

on December 4, 2006 - 6:04pm

Ok, it is a full Moon tonight, stars glowing at its brightest, and it is an absolutely beautiful evening. It is so lovely that when you get into a car and hear that perfect song that describes your present mood, it just sort of makes heaven a little bit closer.You kind of then know what peace feels like. Had one of those nights as I took the 3 kids to go out for dinner.As we were driving along listening to the beautiful sounds of the radio, and watching this bright illuminating moon, my 8 year old daughter pipes up.. "Mom, what would you do if they passed out Josh Grobans at fast food places" Well, that beautiful moment just turned into one of complete laughter. Just had to share that.Kids say the silliest things. But thinking about her question...if they did, I know where I would be all the time....... LOL

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When Emotions take over

on December 4, 2006 - 9:27am

I am not sure if it was because it was a long day yesterday and I was tired, or the fact that I am just an emotional person anyway, but I found myself quite emotional a few times yesterday.I was playing on the computer, kids where watching TV and some show was talking about Steve Irwins family. They were showing some beautiful pictures of Bindi and just looking at that girls face reminded me of Steve. It brought back all the feelings I had the day I found out he had died. I will always remember that day too well becasue it was also the time when Josh Groban's You are loved came out to the FOJG fans. For several days I couldn't even listen to the song without falling a part. Even now, when I think of Steve I feel an emptiness inside. It is kind of strange to have a feeling for some guy I never even met. I really wish I had. He was a true spirit. I guess because his shows were always on our TV in our home, it kind of made me felt like we did. I guess that kind of feeling applies to a lot of celebrities. One can easily get attached to someone and feel like they know them, when in truth , we don't at all. I have seen it in alot of people, and way too often too, feel like they do and get upset when their expectations of that person isn't met. But, like I have said many time before, nothing wrong with caring. I think caring for anyone is a good thing, even if you don't know the person or not. It is what people do with those feelings that some can get into trouble. Anyway, back to Steve. Just seeing the pictures of his family made me cry a bit as I could not help but feel sad. Knowing he is no longer with us is really a heart breaking feeling.I can only imagine what Terri feels, or even Bindi! I will never forget him!

If that wasn't enough, I was lying in bed watching makeover, the home edition, and talk about an emotional program to watch. I never use to watch that show, but after truly seeing several episodes, and all the great stories they have, it really has grown on me quite a bit. It is a wonderful, and an extremely emotional show. I don't really say too many positive things about reality shows, but this one is different.It effects the heart. Last night they had a family where the mom was suffering from some terminal illness, and they struggled daily to get into a better house not knowing if mom would survive before the house was done. Watching the face of the father as he saw the happiness of his children, and the over whelmed reaction from his wife really brought my tears out. Knowing there are people willing to help like that is such a great thing to watch. We so need more shows like that, more people like that, and more emotions as well. Watching this man as he realized his family was going to be ok, made me really appreciate things even more. I know I say that alot, but it is true. I am very emotional about things and for most part have been afraid of those emotions for many years. But the more I discover about myself by writing my thoughts down, the more I learn that emotions are a good thing. I may cry over sad songs, a sad story, troubles,stress, failures, Giants loosing to the Dodgers, but hey.......atleast those feelings come out.....LOL!!! I have learned to embrace that emotions are who we are. Emotional beings. One thing about having days filled with such emotions, is that it makes for a better nights sleep!!!!

So, I get up today, on my usual Monday to check out the latest gab on FOJG. Most days I have no big debate going on about topics that are said, but sometimes things that are said on there bothers me. For example, Last night Josh, along with other famous people, apparantly did a performance for the President.I can imagine an event like that would make any one nervous. There was a few stars that got nervous and missed parts of songs. It happens. But the part that bothers me is that people can go on the boards are start calling these celebrities names that are really unflattering.It is one thing to be a critic of someones music, or performance, but when its about them as a human being, that is a bit much. I mean is it necessary to make fun of someone else? I just wondered when our society thought that making fun of people in a bad way was entertaining or was even ok? I have never met any of these people, and don't know them at all, so who am I to make a judgement on someone? I am not ratting anyone out, because they have their opinions too, and have right to speak them, but I really wish people would have a little more respect for even those they don't normally would watch or listen to. Celebrities have feelings too. Not like I think the celebrity I am reffering to would come on these boards and see it, but one never knows. It just isn't right to be so judgemental like that. Just hurts to hear it, thats all. I just wonder what happened to respect for ALL!!!........ I mean if we were on someone else's boards and they were talking bad things about Josh, you better believe Grobanites would be the first to defend him. As they should. But I also know that some people are not going to like him the way we do. It is ok too. Can't please everyone. I had to remind my own spouse of this yesterday as he proceeded to call the program my daughter watches stupid. It made me upset that dad could be so insensitive to a childs taste. WE may not always understand, but we should atleast have respect for it.

Anyway, off to do whatever that gets me through the day........ My tip for today, always make sure you carry tissues during the cold/flu season. Never know when something my fly out......... ACHoooooooo!!!

Love thy self, Love thy neighbor, love thy kids, love thy Josh Groban...........

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