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on February 3, 2009 - 10:57am

So I've been doing some thinking about why I'm so creeped out about dating those male types. Its hard to fathom so you all may want to prepare yourself. Because what I have to say may seem silly to you, but its not to me. Its very real. It all boils down to money. Yep. How can I look at a man who drives a nice car and has a really good job as a potential date for a lonely Saturday night? I can't. Thats just it. I see my life as a massive shambles. I've got debts that I am struggling to pay, if I can pay them at all, so my credit's shot out the window. I know you are all laughing and thinking I'm silly. Maybe I am. I don't deal well with money as I grew up in a home where having a utility like power or water cut off was a regular occurence. Such is life with a violent alcoholic who drinks money away. That was my father. Finances frighten me. How can I see myself as loveworthy of a single man with all his ducks in a row, who drives a nice (it doesn't have to be a Bentley but a nice) car and has a better place to live than I do. Its the fear that I'll be pushed away or laughed at for living in a small apartment with very old and shabby furniture and driving a humongous boat of an ancient Buick Century. What kind of wife would I make to say a forward moving Executive? Not a very good choice, huh. Not in my eyes at least. Now I am not looking for a millionaire. Far from it. What I want is someone to see that I'm still worthy of love even though I've got crappy credit and don't have nice furniture.
Am I wrong for feeling like I'm going to be laughed at or pushed aside because I'm in a financial mess? There's no way I can suddenly get out of debt. No way in creation. I feel so bad for feeling like I have to put up this wall to men who are intelligent, strong, and have all their ducks in a row because I simply don't. I'll be 38 years old in a couple of months. May 1 to be exact. Last birthday was crap. Am I nuts to think that this birthday will be a happier one because I've broken down that wall??
Thanks for listening.

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on January 25, 2009 - 5:45am

Firstly, I'd like to say thanks to everyone for their support. You are all correct in that I'm really not alone. But what is with me and Men?? I'm very angry with their types right now. Three in particular. Scott, Robert and Mike. These three men all seem to think that its just fine to run me over with a dozer and leave me flat. Scott was a friend of mine. We had been friends for 10 years before we began seeing each other. Then (of course) he met up with some other girl and decided he had to be with her. Naturally I was hurt. But twice I forgave him. Not the third. The third time was IT. Not only had he gone back on his promise not to be like that again but he did this ON MY BIRTHDAY. Yep. My 37th birthday was shit. He is not allowed to ever contact me again.
Robert. Another flame from a long time ago, he resurfaced after being gone for 14 years. So I'm thinking time (and two daughters) has changed him. Nope. He still will tell me to my face that I'm wrong even if we are outside and I tell him the damn sky is blue. Oh no, he'd say. Its not really blue. You are just not seeing it correctly. I'm a Notary Public, but I bet if he saw my Commission and my seal he'd still say I'm not one. I call him "the corrector". Asstard. He's also gone again from my life.
Mike. Now he's a piece of work. We met in High School and for a while we were friends but over an argument I just stopped all of it. Twenty years later he came back in to my life and we chatted for a while. He's a complete Right Wing Conservative and a Bible Banger too. At my suggestion that he listen to some other forms of music (Josh) he got all upset telling me I wanted him to "give in to my liberal whims". Good God. Then to make matters worse in trying to keep in my good graces he told me he was thinking of joining my Church!! No way. Talk about a bad situation. Mike is Fundamentalist Baptist and I'm Episcopalian. We use real wine at Eucharist. I can see Mike and Father going at it over this issue alone. So what is it with me?? Honestly, I think I'm just burned out. I look at myself in the mirror and cringe. I'm not bad looking, but I've gone through Menopause and am infertile. I survived MRSA but it's left its mark on my body and so I don't wear shirts with V-Necks anymore so the scars are hidden. And intimacy?? Thats excruciatingly painful. What man would want someone like me?? He'd get no pleasure looking at me and I don't even want to consider the physical intimacy thing. All the same, I'd like a man around, you know? But I don't think the type I really need exists. If he does, he's already married with four kids.
Thanks for letting me vent again. I feel like all I do is post negative crap here. But this is a safe place, you know?
Love you all. And thanks for being there.

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on January 18, 2009 - 10:45am

For loneliness? Because if there is, please someone send it to me. My life is small. Just work, some Church, and home. And I don't have a very reliable vehicle that I can use to go about finding something to do to fill up my solitary evenings. My car can get me to work and back. Asking anything else of it is a recipe for overheating.
Loneliness is pervasive and consuming. I find myself striking up conversations with the ladies who run registers at the grocery store I frequent just to have some kind of face to face one on one contact. Some I know will say that I have no distractions in living alone and having such a small life. I would welcome husband and children, if I could meet someone. Making friends and new interests is hard for me. By nature I am not trusting of people's motives so it takes a long time for me to open up. Plus due to health issues I can't just go to bars or places like that due to the smokers. Inhaling secondhand cigarette smoke makes me violently ill. So thats out.
It would be so great if I had more to do with myself. Perhaps the next tour will pull me up a little bit, if only temporarily.
For those who have many things going on and are constantly moving, remember those of us who are alone.
The question is, does loneliness go away if a lonely person is busy?
Thanks for listening. Hope we all have a prosperous and happy new year.

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Burdens Off

on November 18, 2008 - 6:58am

Last Sunday morning marked the end of a very long year. One final meeting next Month and I'm officially off Vestry. With this final meeting also comes the end of my sitting on the Christian Formation Team, Episcopal Young Churchmen, the Library Revitalization Team and Vacation Bible School Team. Its been quite a learning experience. As an Episcopalian, its been difficult to watch as my Church falls apart due to the admission of an openly Homosexual Bishop. So with this comes all the politics and policies of keeping my Church on track with the National Church and not falling to Scism. And I've learned that I'm not strong enough to stand up and face down someone who is such a control freak that no matter what the issue is, its her way or nothing. As an "Out Going Vestry Member" I had to count the votes for the four spots left open. We chatted as we counted and all of us were also on Christian Formation with Mrs. Robinson Control Freak. We all agreed as we determined the new Vestry Servers that come the week of Vacation Bible School, we were all going to be "On Vacation" and not available to assist her. Anyway, so now that a bunch of stuff has been taken off my shoulders, that leaves just the fund raiser dinner theatre, (if there will be one this year) and being a Lay Reader once a month.

I'm still dealing with depression and am very lonely, but I'm learning to cope with it. You know what I think is sad? People who refuse to see that Depression is an illness and say that those of us who need to be on medication for it are "pill poppers" and "wannabe addicts" and that we are just looking for an excuse to drug ourselves. They want to believe that Depression is purely situational and that once things get better we shouldn't be depressed anymore. Right. Dry that one out and you can fertilize several lawns. I go to counseling twice a week along with taking medication to regulate my Depression. If I didn't do this, I wouldn't be able to function. Its not situational, and brain chemistry problems are not imagined or made up. I've found that its best to not talk about it. I don't know which side anyone is on with this subject.
Anyway, for those who are privileged enough to have family close, do enjoy your Thanksgiving, and remember that some of us will be celebrating alone.
Peace and Love this Holiday Season.

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on September 29, 2008 - 4:28pm

Okay so maybe nothings wrong with me. Maybe I'm reading too much into things but I really feel like I'm being ignored on the boards. I know I've got a lot of crap in my life, and sometimes maybe I shouldn't post how sad I feel or my usual man troubles. Maybe it runs folks away. I don't know. I've had a very hard time lately, especially this last month. Had a terrifying scare about my job and then my stooopid Ex had to ruin two weekends in a row with showing up at the theatre along with his new squishy and making me feel like dirt. It was so upsetting yesterday that I didn't even stay at the theatre to help like I said I would. I came home and CRIED and ate junk food. I tried "stepping back" a little and came back after a couple of days. Maybe I need like a month away. I know this place is supposed to be mainly positive and I try to be positive and supportive of everyone here. But damn when something bad happens to me and I post it, its like no one notices. Well maybe I'm being an idiot. I know I'm not the only one here, and I certainly don't want to make everyone feel that I'm "all about me" because I'm really not. I care a great deal about my friends on the boards and don't want anything bad to happen to any of them. I guess I want a little validation that I'm not a burden, that I'm not a "Miss Negativity 2008" and that I'm loved, and will be okay.
As far as men go, I'm giving up on dating and looking for someone in my life. After 7 years with the same man, I think honestly I'm ruined for life. I spent that long with one man hoping and wishing that we'd get married and well, we didn't. Now I can't look at any man without feeling hurt and angry. Will I ever really be okay??
Thanks for reading this. God I'm so tired of my life.



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