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WHY IS IT

on May 5, 2009 - 4:58am

That when things are bad or go wrong you scream I DON'T CARE when really, really you do care? I guess what you're doing is trying to convince yourself that it doesn't matter to lessen the pain or humiliation of your terrors. I have had so much going on inside my head this week (yeah, I know ... it's only Tuesday!) that I keep muttering to myself "I don't care ... I just don't effing care." When I know I do - I'm just trying to convince myself. It doesn't work. Wish I could stop. So speaking of stopping we had an inservice yesterday during lunch about smoking cessation - the presenter kept calling it smoking "sensation" which was making me nuts and instead of focusing on the important stuff I was caught up in her improper pronounciation of the word "cessation." Stupid ... who? Her or me? I don't care ... anyway ... I thought it was interesting the way she described how smoking cons people and gets them hooked. I guess nicotine releases dopamine in your brain which is a feel good sensation - that's what gets people hooked ... when you smoke you get that "feel good" rush. THEN you smoke when you're doing certain things like right after eating, just getting up, while having a cup of coffee ... so now when you do those things you associate them with the "feel good" part of smoking. So this drug that's out there called Chantix blocks that receptor in your brain that releases the dopamine when you smoke so your desire to smoke is less ... even if you do smoke while on Chantix it blocks that receptor so you go "blech ... that wasn't good at all." and then you don't want to smoke. The problem with quitting smoking is finding something else to take the place of that cigarette habit you had when you would do certain things ... it's not easy to find a replacement for something easy that makes you "feel good" like smoking so for those of you who have done it I applaud you - and for those of you who have tried and failed I applaud you as well because it's not as easy as people would like to believe - just stop they say - it's not as simple as that. But listen, if you're trying to quit just look up websites that give good advice on quitting like www.webmd.com or www.pfizer.com or even www.cdc.gov ... sometimes you just can't do it on your own and if you really want to they will help you succeed! My son Mike has been trying to quit for years but stress and my daughter keep him smoking. She's the one who SHOULD quit and just won't. She's weak and I can't fault her for that ... I wish I could help but it's again ... not an easy thing for a person to decide to do. It's a HUGE lifestyle change. It's the same with eating or any other bad habit we have. Sure you can "just say no" but it's not as simple as that when you've reasoned out in your head all the reasons you SHOULD have it and then just stuff it into your pie hole before you've had a chance to talk yourself OUT of it. Been there, done that - still there right now.

Wow I really got on my soapbox this morning. I'm stepping down now. Hope you guys have a good. day. I'm going to try.

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STARTING THE WEEK

on May 4, 2009 - 4:10am

On a sour note and hoping that it will pick up as the days go by! So over the weekend we only looked at one place and the location got us so excited that we foolishly made an offer to rent it - and now I'm thinking that it will be far tooooo small to live in for me and my gang. It was 3 bedrooms, two bathrooms but one living room and a kitchen ... so five rooms altogether - NO basement, NO garage, NO storage whatsoever and that just won't work for us. I was walking around this morning shaking my head, won't work, won't work I kept telling myself. And seriously ... it won't work. But the location was freaking perfect. It was on a small street far removed from the regular road across the street from a gazebo and a park that boasted a river running along the edge. It would have been FANTASTIC for the kids to play ... but the house itself ... not doable. I'm going to keep looking because there's something out there for me ... I know it ... I just have to find it. We're playing Go Fish now ...

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THE END OF THE WEEK ...

on May 1, 2009 - 6:03am

And it's not been a fun one. It started out awful but gradually got more tolerant. The townhouse we really REALLY wanted is no longer for rent -- it's for sale and if I thought for two minutes that I could come up with a down payment I would buy it in a heartbeat. The mortgage payment would be less than the rent. Well anyway ... that having been said we're now looking for another place to squat. Not to worry ... I have faith. I'm glad it's Friday though ... I've got to get into the basement tomorrow and start a garbage pile ... ooooo things to look forward to! Go me!

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SOOOOOO YESTERDAY WAS

on April 29, 2009 - 4:46am

Tuesday and ........ nothing happened. Oh wait, I had to take my oldest to the hospital for a cat scan but other than that ... nothing happened. That ... makes me happy ....

::EDITED::

The cat scan came back normal ... just letting you know! And baby boy is home - we had a talk about moving and he's good now. My ex can bite me.

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a little background info on why

on April 27, 2009 - 6:00pm

I divorced my last husband, Duncan's father. The fact that he wouldn't marry me while his father was alive should have been a huge red flag to me ... but it wasn't. I was already in over my head. The kids (Mike and Caryn) and I had already moved into his house with him in a town called Lyons and then we sold that house and moved into a huge house in a small town 40 miles and 45 minutes away called Channahon. The kids weren't thrilled with moving from Lyons to Channahon because their father lived in Lyons just a few blocks from us ... but Darrin didn't care, he cared about having his big house with quarter of an acre of land in a one-horse town away from the city. Well after we moved Mike started to act out. Now this was a boy who had perfect As in school - in fact in 8th grade he was in high school trig class. He started smoking and carving designs in the walls of our new home not to mention cutting himself and bleeding. I had just gotten pregnant with Duncan when Mike started acting out ... Caryn started too ... she dressed only in black, most of the time pinning her clothes together with safety pins, wearing black lipstick, and dying her blonde hair cobalt blue. Yeah, it was rough for me because I worked about 30 miles away and it wasn't easy to get home quickly when the school would call and say Mike had harassed someone at school and I needed to pick him up or he was caught stealing from the lunchroom ... Darrin was a fireman and at the firehouse only 9 days a month but on the other days when he was off he was fishing or hunting. That was another thing, he was a staunch believer in having guns - lots of them - around the house and with a teenage boy who was acting out in the house ... they mixed like gasoline and a match. Before Mike was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder I would have a panic attack nearly every single day over something he'd done. One time I took him to the doctor and he'd stapled his entire shin with a stapler. I can't tell you how awful that was. Darrin didn't trust Mike ... he slept with a gun next to the bed. He wanted to sleep with the bedroom door locked but I couldn't allow that ... first off Caryn was down the hall and if she needed to get to me quickly she wouldn't be able to and secondly the cats needed to come in, yeah they slept with me and they were and still are important to me. I still have Harley and Smokey! After Duncan was born with all his anomalies and tumors I just knew that Darrin blamed me for it. First off, he insisted that he had a certain blood type that clashed with both mine and Duncan's ... he accused me of sleeping with someone else - his brother! Until I insisted he had his blood typed and it was discovered he had a totally different blood type than he thought he did. Go ahead, you can say it ... IDIOT. Okay so Duncan was born in June of 1999 ... on October 1st my birthday I worked, it was a Friday. We had a cake at work and then I got home around 5:30ish and I thought maybe Darrin would have made dinner but he didn't. I asked him about dinner he said; "I made myself leftovers, make whatever you want." Well that was real nice on your birthday! Sadly I wasn't hungry. I asked him if he'd even gotten me a cake - his response: "you've had a cake today, how many cakes do you want?" I was so ashamed that I'd asked and gotten that response that after night fell and we'd gone to bed and he hadn't given me not only a present but not even a CARD I was too afraid to ask why. It was actually months before I got up the nerve to ask him ... his response? "You're going to Florida in April, what more of a present do you want?" Well the problem with that was that we were ALL going to Florida, he was going too - so was my neice ... why was that MY birthday present from October? He couldn't have gotten me a card? And to think I had to have emergency surgery during Duncan's birth, he was born with tumors all over him, I suffered from severe post-partum depression not to mention post-partum thyroiditis which made me gain weight, kept me so tired that I was falling asleep at the wheel, and added to the depression. What he did hurt me more than anything could have. I decided right then and there I wouldn't stay with him much longer. I couldn't stay with him. He was selfish and self-centered ... never thought he was wrong and would NEVER EVER apologize for anything even though he knew he was wrong. He hated my children and punished them whenever he could. They hated him every bit as much.

The reason I'm telling you all is this; yesterday I talked to stupid - I mean Darrin and mentioned to him that we were moving. I told him that I was going to be looking outside of Minooka and Channahon for a place to live because I wanted to move closer to my work and that I wanted to get Duncan out of the Channahon School District for two reasons, 1. they were very expensive, and 2. Duncan has been being picked on by bullies since he started that school and it really unnerved me to read a story on CNN the other day about an 11 year old boy who killed himself because he was being picked on at school. Duncan is a really sensitive kid and this kind of stuff really gets to him. Not to mention he's physically different and they like to throw that up in his face too. Darrin called me today at work and told me that he didn't approve of me looking for someplace to live outside of Minooka. I told him that was just too bad, I had to find a place to live where I could afford. He argued that the Channahon/Minooka school district was one of the best and that Duncan has the best teacher he's ever had. I said that's a shame but he's not going to have the same teacher next year not to mention he wouldn't even be going to the same school. He said then he'll have to live with me ... I said no that I was the custodial parent and he said he was going to get a lawyer to remedy that.

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What do I say after that? He's threatening to take baby boy away from me ... he doesn't believe Duncan is being bullied ... he thinks it's such a wonderful school district? Duncan has done nothing but fail this year - so he's got a great teacher - does he not think there are great teachers in other school districts? What if Duncan goes to a completely different school district and he excels?! Not to mention Darrin hasn't paid for a single thing for Duncan this year, he didn't buy him new clothes, he didn't pay for his school supplies, he didn't even pay for his tuition - or any of his lunches ... how DARE he threaten me?

So what am I going to do? I'm going to continue looking for a place to live without his consent - quite frankly because I don't need it - and considering Plainfield is still in the same COUNTY that Channahon is in and not even 20 miles or 20 minute drive I don't think he'll have a leg to stand on when he gets in front of a judge and then ... I intend to kick the other leg right out from underneath him.

Who does he think he is? I can tell you who I think he is ...

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