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SO I'M ..............................

on April 24, 2009 - 4:54pm

looking for a new house. Not that there's anything wrong with this one but it's far too expensive for me to afford ... on my own! Oh yes, I'm going to do it, I'm going to venture out ... not exactly on my own because my children need me and I them but sans husband. Please don't get me wrong, I love him. I care for him. I just can't live with him. I need to wing it on my own -- sort of -- making my own decisions and whatnot. I'm an idiot ... I have a hard time making rational decisions on my own but I know he'll be here for me - at least for now and perhaps I can even go stay by him now and again for some peace and quiet!!!!! So wish me luck ... because ... I'm gonna need it!

::EDITED FOR WENDY::

LONG way is right ... I'm very scared but it's something I feel I have to do. Thanks for your support!

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WHY EXACTLY DID I ....

on April 17, 2009 - 6:14pm

Have all that junk on my desk she asks ... how to answer appropriately ... let's think on this a moment.

Okay lets just start with this ... I love my job. My job consists of bringing sick, injured, elederly, young, healthy people into the office to see a wonderful, caring, intelligent, thoughtful physician on a daily basis. Needless to say no one comes back on a daily basis but I think you know what I mean. Anyway ... some people love our office - some people don't. Some people are scared to freaking death to come in sooooo..... I am friendly, empathetic, and outgoing so as to disarm frightened people ... I have photos ... tons of photos of my family and Josh by my desk ... anyone who asks I tell them ... about Josh and about my family. People LOVE it! Some people know who Josh is and some people ... well they argue with me about who he is - it's kind of funny actually because I see Jessi turn around when someone argues with me about Josh - she loves to watch me lurch into action. One drug rep told me "you know he's from Naperville, right?" "Uhhh ... no he's not." was my response. "Yes he is." She said. "No, he isn't." I said. "A friend of mine said she knew him, he was from Naperville." I just looked at Jessi and she looked at me. "He is from California." I said ... "and he wears a size 10 shoe ... what else would you like to know?" Then there was the patient who insisted he sang country music. "No he doesn't." I said adamantly. Now if there's one thing I know it's that Josh does NOT sing country music. I can't stand country music and I'm very sorry if I have offended anyone by saying that but seriously I can't. I'd rather listen to rap than country and rap makes me want to stab my ear drums with a hot, sharp knitting needle. So when she said Josh sings country I politely disagreed. She kept insisting then it dawned on me ... "You mean Josh Gracin. This isn't Josh Gracin." I said after she said she had his CD. I knew if she had Josh's CD she would know it wasn't country. Anyway ... I have given away my CDs to people hoping that they will become fans ... some of our older patients I have given calendars and CDs too. I have one Collection CD from Scotland ready for a patient when she comes back in. I let her have a Noel CD ... the older ladies they just LOVE him! They love all the pics I have of him and they love the clocks and keychains, envelope openers, mugs, coasters ... even my British flag with Josh's "head" stuck to the top of it - they LOVE it! I love it ... it gives me strength during the day ... it gives renewed hope for my day. Josh is my rock - he's what I cling to when all hope is cast aside. He's always there for me - on my desk - and I don't want you to think I think of him as God or as a god because I don't ... obviously you know I know he's got failures, he's not perfect and there's only one "being" I know is perfect and that is the Almighty. But Josh is my dream - my "fantasy" if you will. He takes me away from my life - the chaos that rules it and makes order from it. He takes away my cares and replaces them with cheer and joviality ... I go to him in my mind and I'm far removed from bad things. Then I come home and write down my thoughts. Then you read them! BTW I blush too ... hahahahahaha!

So does that help some? Does that tell you a little bit about why I have so much "junk" on my desk. I'm proud of that "junk" and it makes me feel like my desk is my home. Correction: It MADE me feel like my desk was my home.

**edited for Wendy**

1. The doctor didn't have anything to do with it.

2. No one asked her to take it down, she thought she was doing me a favor by wiping it down and had just put everything away so she could do that. She told me where everything was so that I could put it back.

It's not distracting to anyone - not even me. It's beautiful. And if you've asked someone to remove their stuff from their desk then that makes you a snob in my opinion. You keep your "3" pics and enjoy them ... I'll do what I do best.

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Well ... Monday was bad ....

on April 15, 2009 - 6:00pm

yesterday was just awful but today was better. What happened was ... Monday I went in for the estimate on my car. I didn't know what to expect. It could have gone either way - one way they would fix it and the other they would total it and pay it off. I was sorta hoping for pay it off then I could get another car that worked better than the one I have. The driver's side window doesn't roll down and the windshield wipers don't work properly. So that was sort of the way I was hoping it would go but ... it didn't go that way so I had to face that and struggle with the realization that I was stuck with the car that doesn't work right. ::shrugs:: oh well ... then I go into work yesterday to find that one of the nurses has cleaned off my desk, put all my Josh stuff into a cabinet - and then when I opened the cabinet it all fell out on me. One of my Josh keychains broke which upset me because it meant a lot to me. I asked her why she did it, her response was that it was messy. Now I was downtrodden as it was, a little despondent about the car situation and then this ... I mean everything was cleared off ... I was so angry and even more than that I was hurt because I swore I could see Dr. Smith's hand in all this. He hates Josh and I could see him saying he wanted it taken down. I left early and went home to take a nap. Things just don't go my way no matter what but you know ... I survive and I get what I need. I may not get what I want but I have what I need and that's all that matters. It's so hard to deal with life's mega disappointments but we just have to pull up our big girl panties and go on. I think we all know that real life sucks ... that's why we like Josh hahahahahahaha!

Okay well I'm done. Thanks for listening.

***edited***

I guess she thought she was doing something nice for me and if that was her intent then yes it was nice, very nice but I found a People from 2008 - the May one where Josh was one of the most beautiful - OUT IN THE WAITING ROOM!!!!!!! She will NEVER, EVER touch my desk again - I can guarantee you that. When I get angry I'm like a volcano ... I erupt and then spray hot lava all over anything in my way ... I don't like it but that's what I am.

And yeah, day three of no message board and not even a mention of why or when it will be done on the news page. Considerate, eh?

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i had

on April 15, 2009 - 4:27am

a bad day yesterday as you could have guessed. Thanks for letting me vent.

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DEAR LIFE:

on April 14, 2009 - 3:40pm

Why do you have to suck so much? Most people are basically good but then you come along and turn them into jerks ... because you're so hard on them. You push people to the limits of their patience, love, kindness with your cruelty, pain, harshness, hate, and heartlessness. You say "look at all the good things in your life" emphasizing it with a wave of one hand all the while stabbing people in the back with the other. That's ugly, just pure and unadulterated ugly. I hate you life. I hate my life. I used to love my work ... except for the last year or so. Now I really hate it. I should look for a new job but life gets in the way ... life says that I can go ahead and get a new job but I can't have health insurance for 3 months. Well life knows that I can't go without health insurance for 3 months with baby boy in my charge. It doesn't do any good to be as big a betch to life as it is to me because then it just comes to bite me right in the arse ... it has a way of coming back at you when you think you've gotten a hold of it. I'm not going to whine or complain but I just have to say that my life has sucked from it's very beginning up until now and with the exception of one or two things tossed in there to make me smile it still does. I don't see any major changes in the near future either. I think ... I think I've given up on it. I don't expect to be president or anything but I did expect for SOME aspects of my life to go well and since they haven't I just really want to give up on it altogether. It's not called living anymore it's called being. I'll just be from now on. Trying doesn't work.

I hate you life. Do you hear me? That's right turn a deaf ear ... I don't expect any less ...

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