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"A car just drove into our house."

on July 4, 2007 - 6:22am

Here's an interesting story...Last Friday I was at a sleep over with my kids from TKD. 3 a.m. Hubby calls me. "Someone hit the house!" (Sounds like he's having another stroke.) I finally get him to calm down and he says, "A car just drove into our house."

I leave the kids (There is no such thing as sleep at a sleep over) and run home. I figured the car hit the end of the house where the streets intersect. No...the car hit the front of the house right under the window. Smashed the whole wall in not to mention my marigold garden was now gone. The car backed out and took off, losing oil and riding on a rim. The driver hit the mailbox across the street and just came straight into our house. Tony called 911 before he had called me, but they were very nonchalant because "no one got hurt." Asswipes.

My dog was on the couch in the living room when the car smashed into the house. It pushed the couch across the living room. Being blind and deaf and incredibly senile, poor Taco peed all over the couch. If it was me on the couch I would have peed too. Poor dog. She would have been sleeping in my bed if I had been home.

Besides if I had been home, the jerks would have hit my car instead of the house. The house is fixed. Tony's dad came over Saturday and fixed it. Thank God he knows how to do masonry.

My car would not be fixed and I love my car. It was my dad's car and I got it when he died, so it's special to me. It's a 1988 Crown Victoria station wagon with wood on the side. It's an awesome car. People don't even try to cut me off. My car is metal, not plastic. It's got 178,000 miles.

I got in big trouble about leaving the sleep over.

I figure that since I beat the odds with the car hitting my house, I am going to beat the odds by hitting the lotto tonight. Wishful thinking.

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nathelle's picture

I am lost without him.

on June 27, 2007 - 12:48pm

What a great day! Not. The love of my life is in the hospital. I am lost without him. All I can do is wait and see if he goes home to heaven or home to me. I am being brave for him. I don't want him to worry about me so I am stepping up to the plate and doing everything I can to let him think I am okay. Actually I am shaking and I feel like tears are going to come and I would kill for a freakin ativan, but...

This afternoon I still have to go to TKD, lead worship for tonight and bring him some things. I can't just sit there at the hospital staring at him and he doesn't want me to be there. He wants me to keep going with my life.

But my life is him. What else is there? Work? TKD? the kids?

Tony and I are supposed to go to Vienna next year. I have to go. I won't enjoy one minute of the trip if he's not with me.

All I can do is trust God that everything will be okay and take one day (hour) at a time.

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I've lost the magic

on May 23, 2007 - 6:13pm

Things are just getting suckier by the day. I don't even have the energy to come on here and read posts anymore. I don't listen to Josh anymore. I don't know why...Well actually I do, I just don't want to admit that the depression is not going away. The damn meds are really messing me up. The other day I got in the car and was looking for my cigs. I search the entire front seat, my purse, the floor and then I realized they were in my left hand. And at night my dreams are so vivid and weird. I know that dreams are usually weird, but my dreams are like I am actually living them. I wake up and it feels like I haven't slept. Add to all this crap the fact that my hormones are going wacky and today in TKD I was sweating and having hot flashes at the same time. Not to mention what the meds are doing to my sex life. I called Grammie yesterday to say hi and asked her if depression ran in her family. She said no and she should know being 93 years old. She made me sad when she said she didn't have a lot of people to talk to anymore. I have to remember to call her more than once in a blue moon. So, that's it...I feel terrible that I don't even talk to B anymore. B, if you read this, I still love you and miss you. When I get better, I'll be back. Kati & Nina - I know you guys are hardly on here anymore and won't probably read this, but I had fun in Arizona. I still laugh about the fry sauce!

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Long time, no write

on May 3, 2007 - 1:45pm

So that last entry was really cheerful. Five months later and I am sane again although it's a chemically induced sanity. At least I can function. It's amazing how many people will come up to you and admit their own mental illness. Sometimes I just want to say, "Get away from me, you nut job." But since I am one...

Anyhow the trip to Arizona was a blast. The concert was really disappointing. I don't know what I was expecting, but the way people talk about it like it's orgasmic I thought it would be better. It wasn't Josh. He was very good, it was the sound. Where I was sitting, the sound sucked. I could hear reverb from all over the stadium. It sounded like Josh was singing in the bathroom. Maybe next time, I'll sit in the cheap seats and see if the sound is better. I guess I know too much about sound to not critique it to death.

My life is currently boring which is great. I have cut back on my hours at Winn-Dixie a lot since I got better. I still feel the depression lurking and it seems to come out more when I have to work a lot of hours, so...

On a good note, I was working pharmacy one Saturday and some lady was digging for some change at the counter. A few minutes later when I went to wait on another customer, there was a stud on the counter. I just picked it up and put it along side the register and forgot about it. Later that day I remembered it and looked at it. It looked real and it was the same size as my engagement ring so I knew it was 1/3 karat. I tried to remember the customer's name and looked at the signature log, but I couldn't remember who she had picked up medicine for and I had never seen her before. So finders keepers...

My only accomplishment since December is my graphics portfolio is getting fat. We had a capital fund raising campaign at church (Thank you Jesus it's over this Sunday). I was in total charge of the graphics for the campaign, brochures, video, and other printed stuff. One of the pieces was professionally printed and even though I could see all my misalignments and other things I would have liked to fix, it was well received and I got good feedback on it. No one could find the errors until I pointed them out. It was done under extreme pressure and I thought I'd crack, but I kept it together pretty well.

and I am going to hell...The pastor brought me a cd from home with pictures his wife had taken at church. I was to use the pictures in the brochures. He inadvertently included a picture of his wife posing in her shortie pajamas. So what does a good Christian do with it? I put it on a bulletin cover and included the title of our campaign "Building God's Kingdom" and underneath that I wrote "one trick at a time." Then I printed one copy and told Pastor Brian to look at what was on the printer. He was on the phone with his wife and he was laughing so hard he had to call her back. Pastor Brian has a good sense of humor. He said to me the other day that he would not quit because he would never be able to find another pastoral job where the church secretary cracked him up so much. I made him swear that he would destroy the bulletin after he showed it to his wife. We'd both be canned if it got back to the pastor.

That's my life. Hope I can keep up with this journal better now.

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nathelle's picture

I suck at suicide

on December 18, 2006 - 7:21pm

It's nice to be back to my normal life. I went back to work in the pharm/deli. I was amazed at the amount of people who came up to me and said they had missed me. I never realized how many people considered me a friend. I always just thought of them as customers or other people who go to my church. I didn't realized how much I was loved. Some I told the truth, some I just said I was on vacation. Most people I told the truth to, did not believe me. They have a hard time believing that I would be the type of person to be so depressed I would try to kill myself. Those who got the truth all said they are glad I suck at suicide. I am glad I suck too. But at least this time, I am over the depression faster than the first time, except this one was really bad compared to the first one - I didn't even try to kill myself. This time I tried twice.

If I did not believe in God, I would believe in God now after what happened to me when I tried suicide. The first time, I overdosed. I should be dead. I took way too many to survive - I asked Randy. He couldn't believe it. I just slept for a whole day. (Tony did not know I had overdosed.) The second time, I was seriously going to do it. I crossed the line. Nothing mattered except ending the pain and torment. I sat on my bed and wrote suicide notes-One to my kids and one to Tony. Then I prayed for God to forgive me and to help me because I knew I was too far gone to stop myself from slitting my wrist and bleeding to death. While I was writing my suicide notes, I took 2 ativans. It took me only minutes to write the notes. The next thing I know, I am waking up. I am still on my bed and it takes me a moment to realize what had happened. I went to sleep while I was praying. When I woke up, I did not feel suicidal anymore. I truly believe that God put me to sleep.

It was scary to cross the line. I just was watching myself do things. I knew that I was going to die but I wanted to die and I was waiting for me to hurry up and get it over with.

When I overdosed, I didn't plan to do it. I was just taking one and the little voice said to take more so I did and it said to take more so I took even more until there was no more left. I knew what I had done and I was relieved. When I woke up and I was still on the couch, I was pissed.

I am over that and moving on. I almost have my whole life back. I just need to get back to TKD. That starts on January 10th. Then I have to start my training all over. That's okay. I will be able to do it. I am more confident I can break the cement now for some odd reason.

Three people told me today that they were concerned about me taking on too much too soon - Pastor, Sandy and Tony. I don't think so. I am on so many anti-depressants, I couldn't get depressed. I cut my hours at Winn Dixie though. I need to focus on what I think is important. Right now that is children's church and the worship team (Tony gave me the solo in the one song I love the most), work at church, TKD, and gaining weight (argh, I weigh 110 now). Winn - Dixie is at the bottom of my list. Besides we got along on just Tony's salary for over a month. It was tight, but we did it.

I have so much to look forward to - Josh concert, my black belt test, and Demetri. He was with us this weekend and he grew so much in so sort a time. He is passed toddler and in his terrible two's. He is so cute. We went outside and I played with him. We rode bikes and played crash. He loved it. I didn't enjoy riding tricycles, but I had fun and he was laughing. He kept wanting to trade bikes. I had fun and he wore me out. I wore him out too because he fell asleep at 7 instead of 11.

I have 33 josh cards on the wall - they are great. Even though the stamps cost $40 bucks it was worth it. My magnet got rave reviews!

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