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I let out a blood curdling scream

on November 25, 2006 - 3:27pm

After three really up days, Thanksgiving was a bummer. I found my ativans which are addictive. I didn't want to take any but didn't want to give them to Tony. So I jump in the shower to think. Any how I started to think I was crazy and the idea just snowballed in my head until it exploded and I let a blood curdling scream. I was standing in the shower just screaming for Tony to help me. He got me out of the shower, put a towel around me and hugged me as I cried and screamed. It was an aweful experience. After he got me calm, I tried to keep that way but I had two more attacks. A little one I got over and then Sarah called me to see what was wrong and there I went again. I begged Tony to take me to the Hell Hole because I freaking scared. He didn't move and I was a mad woman screaming at him to take me. I told him where the ativans were and I took one. On the way to the centers oh I mean hell hole, I kept talking to myself and shaking. I told him to drive slow so the ativan could kick in. Thank God it did and we turned around. I came home and took another ativan and went to Mother in laws, got straight into bed until dinner, then took another ativan and went back to sleep till it was time to go.

What a Wonderful Thanksgiving!

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They put you out, zap your brain with electricity causing you to have a seizure and go brain dead.

on November 21, 2006 - 10:07am

Finally, after 7 1/2 weeks, I am human again. That was a terrible depression and too damn long. I got down to 103 lbs. spent 3 days in the looney bin, tried to kill myself and slept enough for the next year. And the worst part was all that time I could have cared less about Josh, his new album or the tour. Just kidding. The worst part was finding a dang shrink in this town who was accepting new patients. I guess there are just too many crazy people in Ocala. But I have one - too bad she believes in lots of medication, but at least she thinks therapy is a waste. She thinks depression goes in cycles and mine is 8 years. I have my calendar marked for 2014. She also loves ect. She wants me to go, but my insurance won't pay. ECT sounds like such fun too. They put you out, zap your brain with electricity causing you to have a seizure and go brain dead. There was more, but I stopped listening after the brain dead part so I have no clue how they get your brain undead. Tony is totally against this, but if my insurance didn't suck I would do it just to get off these drugs. They give me a buzz and make me looked stoned. The worst part is I can't think and I don't remember things. At least I can get back to my life now. I have to gain ten pounds, get back to training and working, get past Christmas and clean my house. After 7 weeks, it's a mess. I'm not complaining. Poor Tony had to do everything the whole time - cook, clean, laundry and take care of me and I wasn't easy to handle so I am grateful for what he did while I was totally nuts. He deserves more than I can give him for sticking it out with me.
And after 7 months of marriage, Sarah and Harry have decided to divorce. Sarah is back home. They aren't actually divorcing though because it costs over $300 to file, so they are staying married but separated for now. No wonder I went nuts with kids like mine.

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Then I went home and it was complete. I gave in.

on October 12, 2006 - 4:05pm

I've been out of work since September 29th. I was at church and just wrote 2 notes. one to the pastor saying I couldn't work anymore and I would be out for a while. The second note I posted on the door - TKD is cancelled. Then I went home and it was complete. I gave in. I have spent the last two weeks on the couch being watched by various family members. Sometime in the fog I do remember going to see Dr. Siva, going to the crisis center and seeing different people sitting on the couch next to me. I am awake now. Sometimes anyway. I actually put on make up and went to the embroidery place to drop off the black belts. I was giving him the names and had to decide whether I should bother with mine. I did order it. Maybe next year. I wish my Josh enthusiasm would return. I have no enthusiasm for anything. I am a bony anorexic 114 pounds.

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Depressing Entry

on September 26, 2006 - 7:36pm

At this point, I am not testing. I can't. The drugs make me too loopy. If I can get a grip in two weeks, maybe, just maybe I can pull it off, but it's not likely. I am really disappointed that the depression had to come back now. It couldn't have waited till after the test? Argh!

Tony asked me if I was relieved or angry when I decided, and I said relieved now, but I'll be angry later.

Tomorrow I have to go spend $200 from my Josh fund for blood tests. At least I have it. I am hoping that maybe they find some other reason for my feeling this way and it's not depression after all. Yeah, who am I kidding? Not myself.

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I felt stupid, dumb, insane, and terribly, terribly sad.

on September 20, 2006 - 12:54pm

Sitting here sweating, waiting for my heart to stop beating so fast. I went out and ran - ha ha - I walked most of it. I was supposed to do 3 miles, I doubt I even completed two. About a half mile from home I got really lightheaded so I just walked home slowly. I know why too and there's nothing I can do. I can't stop the medication. I guess I could just quit the test but I don't want to. Then when I felt better I could test, but I would be testing alone and there's no way. I tested alone for my 2nd degree and I don't want to do it that way again. The next black belt test would be next year. I am so frustrated.

Monday in the pharmacy I went to get the lotensin. Now in my right mind I know that this is a brand name and the generic is benzapril. It's in the first bay, right side, third shelf up from the bottom all the way to the right. Well Monday I went to the second bay and stood there and all I could think was lotensin. I didn't remember that was the brand or that the L drugs are in the first bay or anything. I just stood there trying to get my brain to function. Sandy came over and asked me what I was looking for. I told her I didn't want to say because I knew what I was looking for. She asked me again and I figured I should tell for the reason alone so I could stop standing there and get the drug. She looked at me funny and said, well, you aren't even in the right bay and walked over and got it for me. I felt stupid, dumb, insane, and terribly, terribly sad. I had to count drugs twice because I would forget where I was while I was counting.

So Tony took me back to Dr. Siva yesterday. She spent most of the time talking about her office staff. I had forgotten my insurance card and she was mad that they didn't ask for it when I came in. Then she said to me, I am going to ask Tony all my questions and they proceeded to talk about me while I sat there and listened. So I have to go back on the meds and see her in six weeks. I am not happy at all.

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