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Weird Moments

on February 9, 2008 - 7:48pm

Ever have one of those bizarre, almost out of body experiences where, despite being wholly consumed by the drama in the middle of your "crisis", you're simultaneously aware of the fact that your being childish and will be ashamed of yourself in a day or so? I had one of those Thursday and Friday.

A day removed from the drama, I can look back and cringe at my behavior, but boy, at the time I was sure furious. The short version of the story is that one of my bosses mismanaded his schedule and then took up the habit of mismanaging mine. He was supposed to be in two places at once and when he realized it, casually asked me if I'd consider filling in for one of them, and NOTHING ELSE. I said when he knew more, I'd consider it. That was Thursday. Friday I'm cc'ed on an email from him to the organized of a conference clear across the country saying that I (yes, ME) definitively will be attending in his place and that the organizer should send me the invite so that I can make my travel arrangements.

To the best of my ability, I don't recall ever saying that I would go. I said I'd CONSIDER it.

Oh yeah, this is all happening in a week.

So basically, I was informed by my boss that, despite anything else I may have had planned (work wise or other wise) I was going to be going to some conference I'd never heard of clear across the country. I left work Friday thinking I was ready to up and quit.

But with a little time to clear my head, I'm ashamed that I sulked around the office like a child instead of calmly handling the situation in a more professional manner. It's not that I'm completely abhorred at the thought of going (for where I work, it's actually a HUGE jump forward to fill in for a project manager and I've only been an employee since October, May if you count my internship). But I am absolutely LIVID at being tricked and coerced into going. Now, I'm torn between being slightly excited but mostly terrified and embarassed at myself and angrey with my boss.

I know I owe my boss an appology for being ridiculously immature the last two days at work, but I'm a little afraid still that I'll come unglued on the poor man. I like the project well enough, but it's been preventing me from actually pursuing projects that I want to work on and it's putting me behind on what little other work I have.

*sigh* I will sit down with my boss on Monday and appologize and try to have a civilized discussion wherein I communicate my discontent. It would be worse for me to make an excuse for my behavior and hope the whole thing goes away. It can't because there are plane tickets waiting for me and I gave up lame excuses for Lent.

Oh well, the good news is despite all my self-induced drama, I stuck with the plan and went to two WW meetings this week (trying to find the right group, I think Thursday is a winner). I also stayed on plan despite hearing some bad health news (and that's putting it MILD) about one of the ladies at work I worship (one of those amazing, quiet mentors who makes every one around them's life wonderful). It's not much, I'd rather have my friend's health back, but there are a new pair of shoes to celebrate the fact that I stayed on the wagon.

The better news is we get Josh tomorrow! He could not have had better timing.

(and I am STILL amazed there's no character limit on these journals...)

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Still tired of excuses...

on February 6, 2008 - 8:58pm

Just about left it at "Tired of my own Excuses", then I realized I'd already used that one as a title. :P

But I still am tired of my lame excuses. Tonight I went to my first WW meeting! It was strange being in a room as a "beginner" when I'd been following WW (to varying degrees of success, of course) for over a year now online. Not sure Wednesday night will be my meeting night though: the timing is not real great for me and the group wasn't quite what I was execting it to be. Course, therein lies my first problem, I probably shouldn't have had any expectations going in. That said, a little more cheerful enthusiasm would have been nice. After all, all of us CHOSE to be there. We're supposed to be encouraging each other, not demonstrating the fact that misery loves company.

Really though, it felt good to have done something. I paid a HIGH price for my errancy at the scales tonight (up a whopping 10 lbs in the course of about two weeks... yes, that's right 10 lbs) but that wasn't the worst part of it really. The worst part of today was the sugar hangover! I felt HORRIBLE all day. Seriously, seriously HORRIBLE. I just about rolled over and went back to bed I felt so crummy- I thought I had caugh the winter crummies my officemate was suffering from. My stomach felt lke clay and I was stumbling all over the place which of course made my MITF patterns look uh... "breath taking" at skating this morning. All my jumps were off and the spins were not happening. I hadn't realized how much damage poor eating habits do in so short a time before! I've said it before and I'll probably say it again before I reach goal weight, but I am not falling off the wagon so badly again!

So I decided to give up lame excuses for Lent. Apparently, I've been clinging to them all my life and using them daily to justify giving less than my best when it really counts and claiming "forgiveness" later. No more of that! Hopefully, by the time Easter rolls around, I'll have realied that it would be better to give them up for good.

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Tired of My Own Excuses

on February 4, 2008 - 8:09pm

Darn Super Bowl. At least the Giants won.

In light of my recent tendency to back slide, I bit the bullet moments ago and signed up for the WW monthly pass. I did most of the work on my own for over a year and a half but I am just struggling too much to keep myself accountable lately. Support networks are a good thing, maybe I just need one more to kick me in the butt. So I'm joining now while I have about 15 lbs to go instead of gaining back any more.

Go me! We are GOING to make this happen. I've already promised myself some new shoes just for going to a meeting and WHEN (not the inevitability there: NOT IF, WHEN) I make lifetime, I still get my Josh splurge. (Ya hear that, Josh? You better be touring then ;) )

But crikey WW is spendy! Up till now I've just been doing the online thing and at first I thought the price was for the 3 Month saving plan. I started wondering why I hadn't switched long ago. Then I realized that no, it was for ONE month. YIKES. But hey, maybe I'll hate paying so much and get FINALLY get to lifetime status. THAT would be sweet.

But enough of that. Yay! We get to watch Josh!

*runs off to watch the latest Josh goodness and bask in the glow of the determined resolve to shape oneself up*

Ah! But first:

*chucks the leftover 1/2 medium pizza in the garbage*

Okay. NOW I can go watch Josh ;)

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Small Victories

on February 2, 2008 - 2:36pm

So it was a pizza/Oreo spree that was my downfall last week. I gained, despite getting back on the wagon the day after. So I threw on the skates, cranked up YAL on my MP3 played, and ran through my MITF patterns till I could barely drag my exhausted self off the ice. Then, rather than curse at the pizza for what it "caused" me to do, I had another pizza night last night...

I ate only two pieces, counted absoltelutely everything, and still have most of my weekly points. Pizza night smackdown, go me!

The only problem now is that my pizza craving has been fully sated and I have 2/3 of a medium pizza left. *sigh* I'll probably end up throwing part of it out... that would be a good thing!

And I've been doing awesome so far today too. My gal pals and I have been doing the Pilates thing on Saturday mornings for a few weeks now and today was extra "special" since it was the studio owner who taught...

After today, she shall be known as "Mistriss Kandace". Good LORD that woman can make my core hurt like no one else. It's GLORIOUS.

As if that weren't core punishment enough, we all stayed for the... uh... "dance" class afterwards... let's just say it involves a lot of arm strength (I have NONE), a lot of core strength (getting there), 4" heels, and a pole. Oh yeah... it definitely wasn't Josh we were listening to. It wouldn't have been so tough if we hadn't have been laughing ourselves silly the whole time. At least we can all enjoy the security of mutual blackmail fodder.

But the point is that an hour and a half of abwork later, I have loads of APs... part of which I used to splurge on a cinnamon roll from the new bakery down the street. NUM. Except then I got home and realized that all the bananas in the house are begging to be turned into banana bread and I still have homemade mango butter to eat through.

*sigh* So much good food, so little time... There's plenty in my kitchen that could hurl me off the wagon but I'm not going to let it. I'll take my small, portion controlled victories one bite at a time.

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The story continues

on January 31, 2008 - 8:27am

I've reached the conclusion that I am a total boredom/emotional eater.

Okay, we long suspected that, but it's weird saying it sometimes. Mostly I think it's because it seems like every time I say it, I remember that I've declared it before and it hasn't seemed to fix it yet. Course, denial didn't help me much in the past so at least I'm no worse off. My other problem (challenge?) is that on a regular (monthly...) basis, I get one really insatiable craving for all things greasy, salty, and bad for me and I usually fail to overcome said craving. That's not so bad in itself (I refuse to use it as an excuse to fall of the wagon on a regular basis) but the real problem (there's that word again...) is that it seems like there's no amount of water in the world that I can guzzle to flush all the sodium out of me. Even if I avoid pop for the week before and during, I blimp up about 5lbs.

*sigh* The scale will not be my friend this week, but I will persevere!

(Spectre says hello to every one... rather aggressively and with much slobber)

In other news, I'm getting spoiled by the whole "work at home" option at work. I had my first taste Monday when the weather went crazy on us but I'm afraid of what I've unleashed... Dad needs me to drive him to the airport this morning so despite the fact that I haven't even gotten out of my pajamas, I've already gotten 2.5 hours of work done and it's only 8:15. Too bad I can't make this a regular thing. By the time I finish today, I'll have been "at work" for only a little bit and still come out ahead in hours :)

... In case you're wondering no, I don't really have a point to today's ramblings.

Well maybe I do: I'm over-emotional sometimes, extraordinarily self absorbed, and I like junk food. Two out of those three would suggest I need to be a writer, instead of a programmer. Maybe with dad gone for a week and the house quiet, that story I've been making limited progress on can continue...

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