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Yes, heavens-above, I'm ready for my medal now.

Agent009's picture
on August 18, 2010 - 6:57am

Thus far, I have managed to stave off the deep-seated desire to sink into an alcohol induced coma. It's quite miraculous, really. In fact,the mere ability to refrain from any chemical remedy with this level of anxiety...well, I'm not saying I should be nominated for saint-hood. But, I should be. Martyrdom? Congressional medal of endurance? Single-momdom trophy for not collapsing in a heap?

I've been on a ridiculous run of what I will call "bad luck", but only because I don't know what else to call it. See, i don't really believe in luck. But, if there were such a thing as bad luck, I'm sure this string of unrelated stress-inducing events would be a textbook definition.

I'm quite sure that this little test of my wherewithal has a point, a purpose, a meaning that I will be able to discern when there is some distance. I've yet to discover that meaning, and thus I raise my fist to the sky and shake it. I shout to nobody in particular, "Are you kidding me?" I roll my eyes and murmur, "Well of COURSE the mechanic forgot to put the oil back in the car after they drained it."

I shift plans, rearrange my thoughts, and try not to panic when things and people on which I rely repeatedly let me down. It's gotten so I don't trust anything at face value. I'm looking for the 'rub', the catch, the flat-out lie. I've lowered my expectations to a point that makes me cringe.

I don't like myself this way. I'm needing the turning point. Hell, I needed the turning point two weeks ago. Yet, perseverance is mandatory....it's either that or surrender. I think that I'm in one of those places where the only way out is through.

And thus I awake with hope....hope that the tides will turn toward the better, but brace myself for the possibility that the tides could churn up an all-consuming typhooon in ways I haven't anticipated. I try to be grateful for the little things (Yes, my AC is working in the 8000 degree heat. YAY! and My goodness this is the most delicious pink grapefruit I've ever consumed.)

I'm skipping the hiding and/or running part of the program. Instead, I raise my cup of herbal tea in a toast:
Here's to a brighter today, an anxiety free tomorrow, and a pot of gold at the end of this dark dark tunnel.

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