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Sad but okay

MJKC9397's picture
on December 8, 2009 - 7:52am

After a long weekend of what was supposed to be a celebration of my mom's birthday and Christmas with her, I'm extremely exhausted--emotionally as well as physically. I usually enjoy being at my mom's house even if it is so different from when I was a child. And although she missed out on a lot of my life for several years, I have always tried to get close to her again. For a while, I thought it was possible. And I guess I still have that hope. But I can't feel it today. All I feel is numbness right now.

From the time we walked in the door Friday night until the second we left for church (and then home) Sunday morning, all I felt was that I was a failure as a daughter, wife, and mother. There seemed to be nothing that I knew or could do right; nothing that I could help with, yet if I didn't I could sense that feeling like she thought I was just lazy. She wouldn't even let Craig set up the futon for us to sleep on. She would just sigh with a deep huff-like sound if my kids dropped crumbs anywhere. Yet she just acted hateful if they cleaned up after themselves. She smarted off at Craig when he asked for a broom. And now, sitting here typing, I realize that even though I was in the middle of playing a game with her that it's because she thought it was my job to clean it up. Then, when Riley accidentally flooded her bathroom, it tipped the scales. It was a mistake. A mistake that, according to her, was my fault due to my bad parenting.

A few months ago--well, about 11(a week before I had Carson)--she made the comment that I didn't need 4 kids. Nice to know. Stupid to say to a 9-months-along-pregnant woman who had always had a dream of having 4. She had also stated that I shouldn't allow Craig to help me with anything in the house. She said that it didn't matter if I was sick (I was at the time) he should under no circumstances have to cook a meal, do any laundry, or any cleaning at all. (There was more, but I'll stop there--I am a homemaker, after all. It's not like I don't TRY to get it all done. It's just that if my kids need me, I'm there for them. If Craig needs me to do anything in the way of errands in town or whatever, I'm there for him...etc.) But after Carson was born, she seemed to be okay. In fact, I can't recall NOT ONE WORD of criticism since then! Until this weekend. I don't have a clue what happened between then and now that made her act the way she did this weekend. What I do know is that for an hour and a half after I left I cried. With my sweet girls questioning in the back seat, I had no answers. After worship, I felt much better. But then yesterday, I cried again on and off for most of the day. Thankfully my dad called and tried to build me back up so that I could function long enough to walk in our hometown Christmas parade with my girl scout troop. My kids didn't see me upset yesterday, although I know that they realized I was. I don't know if it's right or wrong to try to shield them from any more of it.

One thing I do know, is that I try so hard. I try to do my best to be a good mom. I want to be the best mom I can be because my kids deserve that from me. I want to be the best wife I can be because Craig is a wonderful husband and he deserves the same from me. Above all that, and most importantly, I try very hard to be a faithful Christian--even when it isn't popular. Knowing all that it would seem that I would understand the cricitism and everything that goes with it in the whole scheme of things. Why does it hurt so badly? The only thing I can think of...the only thing I can come up with...she's my mom.

I am sorry for the long post. I needed to get it out so I can move on. I just want to have a peace with it and move on. I don't know if that's possible.

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