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Life is heavy sometimes

jlbrown3711's picture
on November 17, 2006 - 8:58am

I am feeling really sad today. Yep, same ole problem with spouse. I won't go into detail because its not fair to him, but I am really tired of feeling like I can't do anything right, or I am not allowed to do anything fun for me. My self esteem seems to be dropping rapidly as I am trying desperately to maintain it. It has been really hard at times. I know I shouldn't give up, but I am tired of holding on so much. It was so bad last night, that I am not even sure if I will be attending any Josh concerts ever. My dream of ever getting just a simple picture with him is over.That makes me really sad too. I know, that sounds extreme, and I should know better than to say things like that, but right now I am just hurting. Hurting like you wouldn't believe. People tend to say things for effect when they are hurting. I try to be positive all the time as much as I can, but now, I just want to feel the pitty I guess. Is there something wrong with that? If there is, then I am sorry for feeling that. What do I do? Several people have suggested counseling, but honostly, I am past a point that I am not sure it would work., or if I even want it to. I know, bad thing to say, but my feelings have seriously changed. The last thing I want to do is keep someone around if they are unhappy. I told him if he needed more, than just move on.. I am willing to let him go if he has to. Apparantly, he needs more from me than I can give.........I guess I failed. Forgive me if I sound like I am feeling sorry for self, but I am. I just can't get out of this poor me feeling at the moment. Marriage is really hard. Harder than I anticipated.I really hope more people think about this before getting into marriage. It really can change who you are as a person. Alot of times not for the better either.

I hope and pray that GOD can get me through this no matter which direction it goes.I can really use his guidance about now. Was this his plan for me, or did I manage to screw this up too? Life is too short to live it with bad feelings and regrets. I want more from life than that. I think we all do. So whats my plan on changing the situation? I don't know yet. I have 3 kids, so it isn't an easy decision to make. All I know is I have to do whats best for them. They need mom to be happy. I have to figure what that is first!

Anyway, thanks for listening. I have no idea my plan, or what I will do next. It is very overwhelming to think about. I am scared to say the least. How will I be after all this passes? Rough roads are really hard to go down, but we must go down them if we want to grow as people. I just hope I see something smooth at the end of this road.........This is where I really need my faith. I hope it stays with me.

Love to all!

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