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An Emotional Start to a New Year

jlbrown3711's picture
on January 2, 2007 - 9:53am

Wow, is this year moving fast already or what? I can't believe it is the second day of January already. HAHAHAHAH! How many more days til Christmas again? LOL Anyway, can't say it started off really too well. Spouse decided he wanted a good argument the day before. I know this isn't the place for such a topic, as it is very personal in my life, but its nice to be able to talk about it without judgement. It helps me to vent my feelings out. Most likey if I didn't write it down, it probably would have stayed locked inside me. All I can say is that the argument left me wondering if staying in this marriage is the right thing to do. He flat out asked me if I still wanted to be his wife. I had no answer for him. I don't want him to hurt, or be angry with me, but at the same time I feel as if I have a right to be who I am. Each time we fight it takes a part of me away. A part of me I can't get back.We fight about the same thing time after time. It never seems to have a resolution. It has gotten to the point that I no longer know how I feel about this marriage.That is sad all by itself. I am so confused. Relationships in general are confusing. Especially the longer they go. Why are men and women so dang different? What can't they just know how we feel at any given moment? HAHAHAH. Just kidding. Believe me, I know relationships are never perfect and marriage takes work, thats why I am still here. But how much is too much? What ever happens, all I can say is that I have to be the person I am. If that is not good enough for him, then it is probably best he moves on. I just want to keep a peacefull environment around the kids. They don't need to be around the problems of mom and dad. Anyway, thats my momentary drama. I know there must be a reason for me going through this in my life, but not knowing why it has happened or when it will be peaceful again that has me sad. Sometimes lifes journey can be really hard to deal with. I know that for sure.Hopefully I will be stronger out of it. Just when?

Well, New Years day itself was quiet around here. Took the Christmas decorations down and started slowly returning the home to pre holiday order. I took the girls to the movies yesterday and we saw Night at the Museum. I have to say when I saw the previews of that movie originally, I didn't want to see it because it looked rather stupid. But after seeing it, I actually enjoyed it. It was pretty humorous in a few scenes. The storyline is rather unbelievable, but for a couple of hours it was nice to escape to some place other than reality. I guess it goes to show you never judge a book by its cover. A person can miss alot of great movies by not giving them a chance. Glad I did. Sure, it wasn't an award winning film, but it was highly entertaining.

After the movies I went on a night time walk again by myself. I took my Awake CD as that CD always gives me comfort. I really needed it last night too as my heart was still in turmoil over the failing parts of my life. It is hard to admit that I have failures in my life. But I am only human, so telling myself that makes it is easier to accept. I also brought my Hallmark CD so I could listen to the new songs once again. I tell you, it was almost painful to hear My heart was Home Again. I couldn't help but tear up over the words to that amazing song. It wasn't just the words either. Something away Mr Groban sings that really gets to me. His voice just carries my thoughts away to a place way beyond the Earth itself. I ended up walking even a bit longer than usual just so I could continue listening to the beautiful sounds. I knew once I went back home it would be chaos again. I was not ready for that just yet. But eventually I did make it back home.

Spouse decided he wanted to go to sleep early, so I took the 3 kids back to my bedroom and we watched Steve Irwins Memorial on the TV again.I know what your thinking, watching a memorial service after a heart wrenching walk really is asking for emotional feelings to come up.Yep! But letting them come out is good. They were airing it again, and my daughter Emily really wanted to watch it again, so we did. I have to say seeing it for the second time was just as painful for me. I still find it so hard to believe that he is gone from this world. I once again found myself in tears again over the tribute to him. What is it about some guy I have never met that gets to me? He was so incredible as a person, and so real. How brave it is to be so real in front of the world. We could all learn a lesson from him. I am totally amazed at my reaction to his death. No other persons death has effected me as strongly as his did. I really wish I had gone to see him in Australia when I had the chance. Never put things off......2006 lost a great person! I will miss him always!!!

AS you can see, it was an emotional start to the New Year. I am not sure where this New Year will go, but I have to believe it will get better.No matter where it takes me. I certainly hope everyone looks forward to the journey ahead of them.

My tip for today is to wear slippers before you take your dog out to go potty. Also looking where you walk helps too. Nothing worse than having dog poo between the toes.........

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