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A Deeper Question

Ampatamia's picture
on March 19, 2007 - 5:56pm

Dear Josh - I am exhausted from my busy day teaching preschool, but I am feeling better emotionally since I last wrote.

Whenever I feel like I need somebody too much, I am probably avoiding a deeper spiritual question that I need to address. This was true last week as I wrestled once again with my attraction to you.

Josh, you are an instrument in the hands of God. Your voice and your music points to what is good, beautiful, and true in the Divine Other that I worship. Your voice and your music ministers to the depths of my soul and because of that you have given me a priceless gift and it is a gift that can not be replicated by another.

But my tragic flaw in life is that I confuse the gift with the giver. In my life, I have made other people into false gods. Yes, with age comes wisdom, and I catch myself when I fall a lot faster now, but I still fall. And I knew that I would fall once again when you came to Rochester, New York. There really was no avoiding it. It was going to happen again and that really bothered me.

So I prayed FIERCELY for you in the days, weeks, and months prior to the concert. But I also prayed for profound humility in me so that I would let go of any need within me to make a connection with you. During the second half of the show, when you appeared in the audience far away from me, I knew that God answered my prayer for humility in triplicate, but it did not make letting you go any easier.

But despite my above mentioned fault, God wanted me at your concert. He even delighted at the excitement I felt with your upcoming arrival. And that is something that I just can not understand, and it is something that I am afraid to talk about with my God.

For years now, whenever I see you, I have a super-strong pull on my heart to pray for you. I do not pray for your safety or your success, although those things are important. Instead I pray that you will always remain close to God and that you will someday become a man after God's own heart. But I wonder how God could delight in those prayers for you when there are other things to be prayed for? After all you have everything: talent, health, money, good looks, success, and a loving and devoted family. What more could you need except a stronger relationship with God. Now I will never know the status of your relationship with God, but I keep getting this sense that is why I should be praying for you. And does God take delight in that when there are people who are penniless, starving, and naked in this world who need my physical presnce and my prayers more than you do. I have wept many bitter tears since your concert on March 10 because I can not believe that God could love me that much. I just can not wrap my head or my heart around it. I just hope that God will use my measly prayers to accomplish all that needs to be accomplished in you during your lifetime.

As far as my place in Grobania is concerned, I have found it. I am the LEAST OF ALL THE GROBANITES. I am like a maggot or worm on the windshield of your music career. If I fly away or get killed, it will not matter to you or anyone else here. My purpose as your fan is known only to God, and I must trust that His purpose and will is perfect even though we will never be a part of each other's lives.

I know that this sounds self-depricating, but it is not. I know that it also sounds like you are heartless, but you are not. I am a Grobanite, that I will not deny. But your definition of being a Grobanite is very skewed. There is no REAL intimate relatioship between you and I- not even through your music. You are NOT mine and I am NOT yours, even though I wish that I could be sometimes. You belong only to God and someday to a beautiful woman who is lucky to be your wife. I belong to God and to someone else too. So in reality, I am just another person who is deeply attracted to you through your music, and you are just another entertainer who makes goodness, beauty and truth come alive through your music. I wish there could be more, but I must accept what is. By so doing I will then have the freedom to begin to relate rightly to you in the eyes of God, and for me, that is all that matters.

I am going to close this entry with the song "So She Dances." It is your song, so I know that you know the words, but the poetry speaks volumes about the desires that I have in my heart for you, and I want you to hear it from my perspective. So here it goes:

"A waltz when he walks in the room. He pulls back the hair from his face. He turns to the window to sway in the moonlight. Even his shadow has grace.

A waltz for the boy out of reach. He lifts his hands up to the sky. He moves with the music. The song is his lover. The melody's making us cry.

So he dances in and out of the crowd like a glance. This romance is from afar CALLING ME SILENTLY.

A waltz for the chance I should take. But how will I know where to start. He's spinning between constellations and dreams. The rhythm is my beating heart.

So he dances in and out of the crowd like a glance. This romance is from afar CALLING ME SILENTLY. I can't keep on watching forever. I'd give up this view just to tell him.

When I close my eyes I can see. The spotlights are bright on you and me. We've got the floor, and you're in my arms. How could I ask for more?

So he dances in and out of the crowd like a glance. This romance is from afar CALLING ME SILENTLY. I can't keep on watching for ever, and I am giving up this view just to tell him...."

May God continue to bless you abundantly Josh, wherever you are.



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