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days get tough

jlbrown3711's picture
on April 13, 2007 - 11:36pm

Well, I can't believe I am forgetting to do my blogs these days. I have had such a good record for doing them almost daily, but not lately as it seems I have been missing a day here or there. Guess my mind has been so preoccupied with a lot of things. So much I am surprised I can remember my own name.LOL...

Yesterday went pretty smooth. Got up at the crack of dawn and drove to Merced to see a facilitator about my upcoming divorce. The drive on the way there was simply beautiful. The sun was just beginning to wake up and the reflection of the light bounced beautifully off the rivers and marshes that surround the area. That time of morning, farm lands can be really pretty. Things just seem to come to life. I had my Josh Groban music playing and it just made the drive all that more spectacular. There is just something special listening to him sing and driving at a very peaceful hour of the morning. The song Awake played and I found myself listening to it over and over again. God, how it soothed me. If only everyone Could enjoy such little pleasures.

But got to the facilitator and got the paperwork I needed to get this started and felt good for the first time in quite a while. I just hate the feeling of having to wait to get things done. Life is short as it is to put things off. Putting things off often leads to never getting things done. I am so sick of living with that. So, I was there awhile and then headed off to my job interview. Man, a job interview after 11 years. That was a little strange to say the least. I was nervous a bit, but I think I did ok. We shall see if it pays off. Keep your fingers crossed everyone.

So, after yesterday, I thought things were going pretty smoothly. Finally felt like life was going to be ok and things were turning around for me. Man, how things can change. I had a really bad evening this evening and it has made me even more upset than usual. I had gotten off the phone with a dear friend when all hell breaks loose. Spouse drops the kids off and demands he is going to move back in. He starts going off right in front of the kids. I asked him to stop, but no, once again he just lets it go. I am tired of being put on this stupid roller coaster ride. I never know what he is going to say anymore. One minute he seems understanding and is smart enough to do whats best for the kids, but then he turns around and just makes it even harder for us all. I just don't understand why he can't see what he is doing to all of us. I also can't understand why he can't see why I would be so uncomfortable talking to him. His attitude changes from day to day. I know I am not perfect as I let my own anger take over when I see him loose it.. I know its wrong. But considering what I have to deal with lately, it is not surprising. I have been known to keep things in and not ask for help. It is not easy starting over from scratch. Finding A new job, a divorce, taking care of kids, getting use to not being around them when I go back to work and all while trying to find some time for myself, if there is any left.It is a lot to deal with and am trying to stay sane through it all. Some days I wonder how I can even get up in the morning. But I have to for my kids sake.I try hard not to give in to the despair. Tonight we got into the hugest fight we have ever been in. He grabbed my divorce papers that I had been working on, and folded them up and refused to give them back. I tried desperately to get them, and ended up being pushed into the entertainment center. I have a few bruises, and even cracked my lip a little. I never thought in my life I time that I would be in this situation. All I wanted was my papers, but ended up getting pushed by someone who said they cared.Yeah, it was an accident of course, but it still shocked me it happened. Couldn't believe he could be so mean and just take something out of spite. What did he think this would accomplish? I swear if I had the money, and a place to go I would leave this house right now. But laws say I can't leave the state with my kids, and I am not about to leave my kids without a mom. Would never do that to them.They are and always will be my priority. The worst part of all this was my kids saw all this and are a bit scared now. I didn't want this to happen . Why couldn't he just accept things and leave things alone. He never can seem to be able to let things go. Does he think this behavior is gonna make me feel good towards him?I know this is hard on him, but he needs to grow up and accept that life is hard at times. Does not mean you have to let it consume you. I am trying so hard to get my life to a better place and am finally making steps in doing so, and he just wants to make it hard for me, for everyone. Divorce does not have to be ugly if people would just put there egos aside and just do whats right for the kids. I still stand my decision on this as I know it is the best thing for everyone. It might not seem like that right now as tempers are still raw, but one day I will be happy again, and will have a new life to call my own. I so look forward to that. Why can't that be now??? WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!What he chooses to do with himself and to make himself better is entirely up to him. I have enough already to deal with of my own than to worry about what he needs.That may seem selfish to some, but ya know, we all have to have a little bit of that in our lives. It is what keeps us going in a positive direction. There is nothing wrong in wanting to focus on whats best for yourself. I just can't let myself get into worrying about his needs or anyone elses for that matter. It would take me even further down if I did. Then my kids would suffer. I can't do that anymore. All I know is God will see me through this. He warned me it would be bumpy, and rough at times, but also made me feel I made the right path. Just hoping there are not to many more road blocks..........If there is, I know I will get through them somehow. A few more tears may be shed, but they will someday cease. God will help me through....I believe that with all my heart! All I can say is thank the lord for his guidance, for my dearest friends who never let me once feel I was not worthy, for my passion for the best music in the world that always seem to inspire me to be more than I thought I could be, and most important my kids who are the light of my life and give me a direction.

Anyway, enough on my mind tonight. I am tired of all the emotions. Need to go sleep and hopefully be more refreshed tomorrow. Hope fully I will have a better day.Hope fully I will be able to smile again! Wishing everyone a great night and a more hopefull tomorrow. You are all loved...don't give up!!!!!!!!!

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