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In My Eyes.....

Ampatamia's picture
on May 9, 2007 - 7:45pm

Dear Josh - I wonder if you are ever the recipient of difficult feedback. I am. I have had to face difficult feedback in my actual life, and I have received difficult feedback in my virtual life here in Grobania.

During this time of profound darkness and disillusionment concerning you and your music, the most difficult feedback that I have received from a couple of different Grobanites is that I do not accept you as you really are. With my diverse educational background, you would think that I would be able to laugh at this statement. But I can not. It cuts me to the core.

When I receive this feedback, I go into a self-defensive, philosophical mode. After all, to accept someone as they really are implies a relationship with another that is quite profound. As much as I would love to have a relationship with you, I don't and I never will. Even these "letters" to you are really "letters" to the air. No one reads them, not even you. If someone does read them, no one takes them seriously, not even you. So I am basically just talking to myself. It is a testament of how lonely I really am.

This is very hard to face. The only consolation that I seem to have is to wonder if I do accept you as you really are, but in a different way. Forgive me for making this assumption, but sometimes I think that many Grobies look at you from the outside in. You are young. You are handsome. You have a beautiful singing voice, lots of money, and a successful career. You are every girls fantasy.

But Josh, I do not see you that way. I never have and I never will. If I did, I tell you, I would not be here writing this silly imaginary letter to you. You would not have even two minutes of my attention.

But I am here, giving you this attention this late at night because of who I see from the inside out. You have a HEART OF PURE GOLD JOSH GROBAN, and a soul so beautiful that words can not describe. Many times I see the light of your soul in your eyes when you smile. Your music is rich with profound meaning romantically, spiritually, and theologically. What God has done with you is simply amazing, and that is why I love you. I love you because God loved you first, and He is doing an amazing work in your life. That is what I see in you and that is why I am a big fan.

But to try to tell you this in Grobania is practically a mortal sin. Everyone looks upon it as an attempt to try to control your life. This should be laughable to me. You do not know who I am and you have lived the last 26 years of your life without me at all. Nothing I say to you in this website is going to change that reality one iota. Then why is it so threatening to hear and why can not I just laugh it off.

I can not laugh it off because deep down inside, I would love to be liked by you. I would love to get to know you better and be a real friend to you rather than an imaginary or illusionary one. Maybe you are not the one that I need to accept better, but maybe I need to accept better the steel/concrete boundaries needed here to keep both of us very, very safe. As far as why Grobania finds my vision of you so threatening - that answer I will never know.

I pray for you every day Josh Groban. You are one of my intentions on a very special Rosary novena to Mary the Undoer of Knots. I pray that someday soon, you will open your eyes and see the blessings that God has bestowed on you. I know you face trials and temptations different from mine, so I pray that God will give a special grace to turn away from what is evil in your world, and turn only towards what is good. I pray that as God is forming you, He will make you into a man after His own heart.

When I hear the first part of the song "In Her Eyes..." I like to pretend that you are singing part of that song to my as a "Thank You" for being able to see you from the inside out rather than the outside in. Yes, Josh I do try to look through your shadows. I do see something more. I believe that there is a light in you. God's light - this I am sure. And I want this truth to make you stronger, and I do realize that you awake every morning with God's peace, love, and strength at your very side.

May God continue to bless you abundantly, Josh Groban, wherever you are.


Ampatamia, the least of the Grobanites.

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