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Sad Anniversary

SamsGirl2002's picture
on June 12, 2007 - 11:27am

Today is kind of a sad day for me. It is the anniversary of the day my dad died. I was 16, and every year on this day, I am sad.

I seem to reflect a lot on things every year. It was such a long time ago, and still, it sometimes feels like it was yesterday.

Today, on my way home from my other job, I was thinking about regrets. One thing I really regret is that I never had the chance to know my dad (or my mom either for that matter) as an adult. I don't know if that makes sense. I mean, I think we all always look at our parents as our parents. But I guess what I mean is that I never had the opportunity to develop a relationship with them as an adult. I'll always be a "kid" and they'll always be the adults. My older brothers and sisters tell me stories about him. I guess he had a really wicked, funny sense of humor. I rarely saw that. I would have liked to know that about him, instead of the strict diciplinarian I did see.

I guess regret is not exactly the right word. I can't help what happened, and it's not something I did, so I have nothing to regret. I think the word I'm looking for is...oh I don't know..disappointment?

I do regret some things though. I regret not having and treating my dad with more respect. I wasn't a "bad" kid...but I sure had a smart mouth, and I sure thought I was an expert on everything. I suppose that's a "normal" teenager. I wish I hadn't been that way so much.

I truly regret that the last time I visited my dad in the hospital, I didn't tell him I loved him, and I didn't hug him like I wanted to. Our family just didn't do that, so I didn't...even though I really wanted to, and I could see in his eyes he wanted to too.

Sometimes I wonder if he would be proud of me, of the woman I have become. I know he wouldn't be proud of some of the things I've done in my life...but then I've done things I'm not very proud of either. But I hope he would appreciate the woman I am.

I guess I'll always have these questions, and thoughts. But they are especially on my mind today.

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