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More rough times

jlbrown3711's picture
on July 16, 2007 - 11:34pm

Well, another day is coming to an end. Been very stressful the last couple of days as tension between my soon to be ex and myself has come to an all time high. Had an argument with him the last few days and it has caused me more stress than I can deal with. I guess because my financial situation has made me flip out a bit. I admit, I handled the argument not very well, but I have apologized for it to him and to my kids. As much as I have a right to get upset from time to time, there is no excuse for doing it in front of the children. But what bothered me the most about the whole thing was that based on bits and pieces of what my children say, my soon to be ex made it sound like I was a bad parent and basically implied he would seek for full custody. That really bothers me on so many levels. For one, I have sacrificed so much of my life to stay at home and raise my children in the right way. My attention has always been focused on the well being of my children. Its not very fair to back me in a corner by threatening me with such absurd ideas. I have always believed that children need both their parents and that no matter what the parents feel about one another that the children's needs come first. Well I have done that for so long and just upset that my parenting skills were questioned by someone who once told me that I was a good mom. Just don't know why he would hurt me that to that extent. I get the fact that he is hurting in his own way, but that does not give him a right to use my children against me. I worry so much now because my means of doing things with my kids are limited due to the fact I have to work now. I can't help that I have to try to get back to earning a living on my own. My soon to be ex however seems to find all the time in the world to do things with them.I would think he would want to save his money and the gas he uses continually. Why wasn't he like this while we were in the same house? I know its my paranoid self in me talking, but sometimes I feel like he is doing all these things with them so they want to live with him. It hurts so much that my time is limited now. Being home with them for as long as I had was such a blessing. I loved every minute of watching the kids grow into strong, happy young people. I feel I had a lot to do with that because of my choice to stay at home. But why should I be punished by wanting more from life than what I was going through in this marriage? I still have my rights as a parent and just feel like I am being criticized for trying to improve my own happiness. Where does it say that when you become a parent you have no rights to have some personal time and freedoms of one self? I have been knocked for wanting those things for so long. Now, I am being hurt by the use of my kids.....Just does not seem fair.

To be fair, I will say that soon to be ex is a good dad. Never in a million years would I take them from him. Sadly he does not have that faith in me. It is so obvious that he thinks I should give them up. AS I was over his house the other day, he even said that they were fine there and I should move off somewhere. Sounded like he implied that my children didn't need me. That is so upsetting. My kids need their mom. It would seriously hurt the kids if they were forced into one persons custody at not the other. Would never do that to them. I just hope and pray that he seriously thinks about that when it comes time to speak in court.

As you can tell, there has been alot on my hands to deal with. My biggest worry at the moment is trying to get financially back on my feet. I know it isn't easy, and will take some time. I pray all the time that things will work out. Its funny, the last few days as upset as I have been, there has been such little blessings that have occurred in my life. I remember sitting on the floor listening to one of my favorite Josh Groban songs. I had this very strong urge to listen to You are loved (don't give up). I wanted to hear it so I could cry and vent out all the pain I had in me. But I started listening to it and suddenly a wave came over me to stop me from crying. Suddenly, I didn't want to anymore. It was such a moving moment, that I felt as if someone was looking out for me and wanted to take the pain away........ at that moment, I felt better. It was so strong......Even now when I think about it, makes me have more faith in everything. And then the next day I received some help from financial help from the public assistance office.......Talk about timing. I really do believe that things will work its way out. I have always had faith that things happen for a reason and no matter how hard things get, that faith will lead your way through. I am trying to keep that faith. Some days it is hard, but most of the time I can deal with it.

I have even learned to call my parents when I need help. That says alot. I am generally not one to ask for it when I need it, but I have needed so much support lately. I use to think of asking for help was a weakness, but not anymore. Sometimes we go through things in life that we NEED it and must ask for it. I have a few people in my life be such supporters of me through this whole ordeal and will ALWAYS be grateful for them for making me feel that I am ok for my decisions. A true friend will stand by you no matter what and won't let you feel like your not worthy of happiness....

Well, thats it in a nut shell with me lately......have been so upset lately to write, but thought I would tonight. Went outside a little while ago and saw a beautiful starry sky. Made me think of all my walks that I use to do and seem to have left behind me. I miss them dearly. Something special about feeling mother nature and all her beauty shines it glory on to me as I listened to some beautiful sounds. Who knows, maybe will start them again ....maybe will help remove some of my stress I have.....

Hope everyone has a fun filled week and finds their own peace in life..........Make your happiness how YOU want it to be.............You are loved....Don't give up...

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