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Where do I begin?

MJKC9397's picture
on August 7, 2007 - 2:53pm

This is my first journal entry here on FOJG...why do I suddenly feel so vulnerable? Who knows. I am in a good mood today, in spite of some frustrating and rude customer service people at the bank...okay...one in particular who was horribly rude to me on the phone earlier--and it was a BANK ERROR at that! grrrr

I'm in a very weird stage in my life right now--at least, I think it's weird. I am so confident in what I want out of life for the first time in a long time. And yet, at the same time I feel so painfully lonely. I mean, I have my husband whom I love dearly--he is my best friend and supports me in everything...we share our life's goals and I have no real complaints there. (Yes, the normal "husband stuff" as in socks-on-the-floor-type-stuff, but nothing monumental! lol) And I'm so proud of and happy with my girls...they're growing so fast. The middle one starts kindergarten tomorrow, and we found out yesterday she has to have her tonsils out soon...I'll have 2 in school all day now, and a 2-year-old to entertain all day by myself! But when it comes to my friends, I just don't know what the deal is! I don't know if it's that I have my priorities in order and would rather be home/with my family a lot more than all the running around they seem to do, or if we just don't have as much in common anymore (not that I have a clue when that changed...). I'm so sad about not having that comraderie with them; top that with HUGE family feuding in the extended family on BOTH sides of my and my husband's family; and then add on not having much time to be on the boards with people that I have things in common with...I don't know what to do from here. I think it's essential to have friends in my life. I love people. I love sharing things with people. I love "being there" when someone needs me and having someone to share a laugh with...What do I do about how I'm feeling right now? It seems that in just the past couple of months, I have been able to actually feel myself growing as a person in so many ways...but then when I'm around people, I don't really have anything to say...or at least it seems nothing important to share. I stay at home with the girls, so when I'm around my friends and acquaintances that work away from home, I feel so much like the "odd-man-out". Then, when I come into contact with other stay-at-home moms, I can't help but wonder if I come across to others like "THAT"...I don't see myself "that way", nor do I sit around feeling sorry for myself about staying at home--as aggrivated as I get sometimes with the kids and the house and endless amounts of messes and laundry...I love what I do...and I feel that I am in "my special place" in the world doing what I was meant to do at this point in my life...but how am I supposed to relate to other people? I try to just be me, but somehow, I end up feeling so inadequate sometimes. Do my friends make me feel that way, or am I LETTING them make me feel insecure? And as content as I am with my job as a homemaker, why should any of it bother me at all? One of my friends in particular that also is a stay at home mom makes me feel just as bad as the ones that work all the time...do I need to just find new friends?

Despite my confused and somewhat negative ramblings, I am in a good mood and have had a very productive day...I hope it stays that way!

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