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Trying to let the worries go

jlbrown3711's picture
on September 5, 2007 - 11:55am

Greetings to ya all. Been a crazy morning and it is not even noon time yet. Just want to start of by saying (Again....I know I said this part yesterday but...) that yesterday marks the one year anniversary of the death of Steve Irwin. Can't believe it has been a year already. Even after all these months, I still find it hard that he is gone. I admired and respected him alot for what he did for this planet, but how he lived his own life. Here is a man who wasn't afraid to be himself no matter what other people thought of him. He lived every day with such passion and desire that it kind of inspires me to want to do the same thing. Although, can't say I get that much joy in fondling crocs. But needless to say, he should be an example of how we live our lives. Life is just way too short to not do the things you dream of. His life was taken way before it was time and I will surly miss him always.

But that wasn't the only thing that has been on my mind. As the month are flying by, I realize my time in this house are coming to an end. Been so worried about moving that it has finally caught up to me. As I was talking with my sweet friend Barry yesterday, found my self so queasy from all the worry that suddenly it wouldn't stay down any longer. Ran to the bathroom fast, and just in time too. Hate that feeling. Not one of my finer moments to say the least.

But did manage to get some sleep last night. Had two long days previously, so it was nice not having to get up at 3am for work. My daughter Emily wasn't feeling to good, so I kept her home. Not sure if she really was sick, but I thought she needed a personal day to unwind from her young stressful life. Going to a new school , and watching her parents divorce is not an easy thing for her. Just wanted her to let her relax some and try to ease her worries the best I can. I told her that her parents loved her and that would never change. She gave me a huge hug. I am feeling like she misses her time around here with mom.But needless to say, it did not go over to well with soon to be ex. Can't seem to have any civil conversation with him without him getting all worked up. Surprisingly, I felt ok through it all. I did not once yell, or even raise my voice. Wasn't even going to attack him. But even though I stayed calm, he continued to feel as if I was attacking him.That's why he hung up on me. Why is it he is always so focused on his pain and no one others? He seemed to want to blame every one for his behavior but himself. If it wasn't me, it was the "spirits" around him that makes him the way he is. I believe in God as much as anyone, but there is a point where you have to stop making excuses and take responsibility for ones actions. I know I haven't been perfect. I have done my share of yelling, cursing and hanging up.......but I know that was me, and not evil forces. Frustrations can get the better of me at times. I know that. I hated the way I have acted when he gets me so upset. I can't let his own issues and tantrums turn me into some thing I do not want to be. If he wants to continue and treat me as badly as he has, than fine. I am not going to allow myself to fall into that path. I am sure I will get kicked around some, but its better than allowing him to take me down with him.I do not want to carry all that anger around any more. Its not worth it. My heart is with GOD, my kids, my friends, and my life in general. I want to focus on the good things of life and not what is not going right. Sure, I still worry about my situation, but some how deep inside me, I know it will turn out ok.

Whats even more sad about this conversation earlier was that he goes on about how everything that gets said and done about the kids will be NOW be done in writing. I always thought he was a good dad and always made it clear that they need him as much as they need me and that no matter how I feel, that would never change. I would never threaten to take them from him. Although wish I could say the same about him. Once again he gets upset and has to threaten me with things like that. I thought going to church would have made him a better person as he claims. It hasn't. At least he hasn't shown me that side of him yet. I almost feel sorry for him.

Anyway, enough with that. The weather has cooled off alot and the wind is really picking up. Finally have been able to open the windows and let some fresh air in the house. Although just noticed son needs a diaper change so, not really that fresh after all. LOL.......

Have to get ready for work now. I have to go in for a few hours, but its better than nothing. I expect as the holidays come near, that work will get busier. I actually look forward to that. Hope every one has a great day and know you are all loved.....Hugs to all!!!!!!!

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