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When life really hurts

jlbrown3711's picture
on September 21, 2007 - 6:09pm

Been sitting here for the last few minutes trying to get started on how I am feeling today. Can't seem to put the words together how I would like. Went to work today and spent the whole time thinking on how people survive long distance relationships? I know it is hard, but how does one handle the emotional price tag it comes with it? I have often heard from people around me that relationships like this don't work out, or they just don't understand how they can see people make something like this work. But I have always put alot of faith in my heart and believe that people don't really have a choice in where there heart leads them. Sure, you can always do things to prevent your heart from feeling certain things by avoiding them, but I was never one to avoid things just because I was afraid to get hurt. Sometimes our heart takes us to places that aren't always close to us. People are people no matter where they live or how far from each other they live.

I am a little depressed today, ok alot, because I had plans today to finally meet someone that means alot to me and that I have gotten to know really well in the last 10 months. We had plans to finally meet one another face to face and finally learn so much about the other. Some times life gets in the way and prevents us from doing what we so desire. A week ago my friend had an accident to his face while playing football with his son, and it effected his teeth, and face a little. At first it was no big deal, but as the days went on it became worse for him. He ended up with wires in his mouth and can barely talk. I suppose I knew then that his trip out here would be canceled, but just didn't want to admit it. Still had the hope of it working out. But yesterday his doctor told him he needed surgery and it was then that the trip was officially out of the question. I went to work yesterday feeling so easy most of the day because I knew what was going to happen. Sure enough, I got home and found out the news.I knew that moment was coming, but it hit me so hard. Every single emotion I had came out and just could not talk to him at that moment. I had felt as if any happiness that I had hoped for went down the drain.I suddenly found myself hating myself for even daring to have hope for happiness in my life. I must have went through so many different stages of feelings then. From anger, to self pity. I cried so long, that I could not even keep my emotions from my own children. I tried hard to hide it, but the feelings were too strong and painful. I am not very good at hiding my pain. Had to tell them why mommy was so sad. They seemed to understand very well. Better than I thought they would. I gave myself a migraine from crying so hard. Even he had a hard time facing me as he knew this would have hurt me deeply. Needless to say, we did not talk to one another the rest of last night.Neither one of us could bare the pain of knowing we weren't going to see each other soon as we wanted. Eventually, I did manage to fall asleep, but not for very long. Would wake up in the middle of the night and just start crying for no reason. Then would fall back to sleep again. Of course the morning came and had to get up to take the kids to school and go to work. I really didn't want to go, but had to. I forced myself too go in and do what I had to do. But my heart and mind was so not there the whole day. Every time I heard a song over the store speaker, it brought a tear to my eye. I fought back from crying all day, but once I got in my car to go home, I totally lost it.Thank god, no Josh songs played there, I would have been a goner for sure.

I am not even sure how I made it home with so much tears in my eyes. Was a bit difficult to see. I did eventually drive home, but had to turn off the radio as I could not stand to listen to songs that effected how I felt. All I can say is thank god I am not so much into country or I might have ended up in a ditch somewhere.... Anyway, as I drove home I started to feel so guilty because of how I felt. Here I am feeling sad because the person I wanted to meet the most was not coming and he is laying in bed at home not feeling that well to travel. I felt so selfish for even feeling sorry for myself just a little. His health is so much more important to me, and should have realized that sooner. I would have hated myself if he came out and something happened to him. But I knew this was a chance when he first told me about the accident, yet I still was selfish and only thought about my needs.I know he is hurting psycially and emotionally and I feel so bad for being so upset as I was. He thinks he let me down, but he didn't. Sometimes life just gets in the way and we just have to learn to deal with the situation we are given.

Not sure when we will finally meet in person for the first time, but I still hope and dream for it, and I know he does too. I suppose I could be like some and give up on it because of the distance and the pain that I feel sometimes, but my heart isn't ready to give up on something that means so much to me. Not going to run away from pain.....

I have the whole weekend off, and I am grateful for it as it will allow me to just be alone to get what ever painful emotions I have left out of my mind and soul. Did manage to speak with my sweet friend today and things have been a little easier on us emotionally. He can't talk, but this is where I am so thankful for Instant messaging. I pray that he gets better soon so he can be back to his old self. That's all that really matters to me.....I really hate to see anyone in discomfort. He has a double dose of it.....

Thanks for listening to my pain .... I think its time for me to down a box of ding dongs and just relax for awhile. Looks as if it may rain here, maybe that would help ease my soul a bit. I am sure I will still hurt for awhile, but it goes with the territory. Life isn't always full of smiles. My weekend is looking like one of just pure sadness.....I think we all have days like these. I may not even get out of bed tomorrow..... who knows... You know what, I don't care either.

"In the day of my trouble

I will call to you

for you will answer me"

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