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Letting it out

jlbrown3711's picture
on September 27, 2007 - 12:38pm

Well I did something today that was totally out of my comfort level. Finally went to see a counselor about my situation and what I was feeling. Any one who knows me , knows that I am not fond of seeing counselors. They always seem to impersonal to me.I knew in my heart that it was time I got off my butt and did something about it. I should have known something was wrong with me when I can't even get excited talking Josh. What is wrong with me?LOLOLOLOL!!!!! It sure wasn't what I thought it would be. I sat there this morning looking at the cold walls wondering what the person would be like. I have to admit I was scared beyond belief at the thought of opening my self up to a complete stranger. Which in a way is odd cause I do it on line almost every day. There's a big difference between writing your deepest thoughts down in a place where I am protected from the eyes of others where they can't judge me by the way I look, or sound to talking face to face with someone. Not that I am afraid of what others see when they look at me, but there is a comfort in not having to. But when your in a room with some one face to face, it is alot harder for me. Suddenly there is no wall to protect me. I had to fight my tears this morning before even talking to anyone. Was just so scared of talking about anything, especially about things that effect my own happiness. But eventually I got to the room and was even more shocked to see the counselor. I think he is younger than I am. Kind of strange to have some one younger listen to me about my issues. I was kind of hoping to talk to a woman, but no such luck. I was nervous but I suppose I got through all the questions without any problems. I am not sure what I expected today, but all I know is I feel even more depressed than I did before. I know its only the first session, but it just is making me feel even more sad. He told me there COULD be a low level depression that COULD be going on and has been for quite some time now because it was never treated before. It was a type of depression that never really goes away on its own. I suppose that's possible. Who wouldn't be depressed spending years in a marriage that made you feel crummy about yourself. He mentioned the possible use of drugs, but I seriously hesitate that idea. I hate to even look at a pill. Not sure where to go knowing all this information. I just don't want to end up even more confused than before. Thats one of the problems when your on assistance, you don't really have too many options for doctors. Have to take what the county provides you. I guess I should go to a few more sessions before making any decisions on how it is going. I am just afraid that I spend all this time going only to not feel any better. But I will continue going. If anything, just to know I will be ok for my kids, and for those in my life that do care about me.

Anyway, not else is happening in my world today. I do feel blessed having my little one home with me today. Seeing his sweet face helps me in more ways than one. I just wish I could have ALL my kids around me all the time. Guess I will just take what I can get for the moment.

Not feeling like writing anything else, forgive me. Its been an emotional day already and it is just now a little after noon. Hope every one has a great day and finds their joy in their lives.Take Care..You are Loved!

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