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an evening of venting

jlbrown3711's picture
on October 13, 2007 - 11:31pm

Well, getting ready for bed tonight and had to play Thankful one more time before I ended my evening. I so NEED to remove this anger feeling I have inside myself cause it does nothing to make my life any better. Listening to that song seems to help alot as I realize this world is larger than I am and has more deeper problems than what I have. But I still hurt!

But the last few days has not been easy for me. I have been so hurt with disrespect from people around me. My soon to be ex is taking a trip next week and wants me to watch the kids. Generally I have no problem with that, but one of the days I do have to work very early in the morning and can't watch them. It would have been more respectful if he had given me an exact date and a far an advanced warning. Is that so much to ask? So, he wants me to watch them on HIS normal days with them and yet he expects me to find some one to watch them because I can't. I do not know to many people around here that I feel comfortable with and because of that I am suppose to miss work and a days pay for him? I know they are my kids, but what right does he have to just demand that I watch them without even giving a second thought to how this effects me. I may be there mom, but that does not mean I have to drop everything just so he can take a trip. I do have rights as a person too. I stayed home with them 11 years and sacrificed any decent career just to be with them. Now it is my turn to start over again and try to make more of my life so I can be happier for my kids.Now, I am generally an understanding person, but this is so not fair. I am not at a job where I can change my schedule. He has more control over that in his job. I am just so insulted he could do this without any regards to what this will cost me. Its his trip, his time, so he should find the sitter right? SO why is he making me??? Am I crazy here? All I want is some respect for my life and it never seems to matter much with him. It all has to be about what he needs.

If that wasn't hard enough on me, the baby sitter just can't seem to stop giving me lectures on the right and wrong ways of parenting . I know her beliefs are strong and all, but when I go and pick them up she always has to point out all the negative things that goes on and adds her "you shoulds" to the conversation. I know I am not perfect by any means, but I do know I am a great mom. I have been there for my kids and will always do so. She and her husband have both given my children these lectures right there while I am watching. I should say something, but knowing me, I tend not to confront situations like these too well. I suppose I should learn to start quickly. Guess I am a big chicken to say anything....man, whats wrong with me?

I swear, I feel like she talks down to me. She says she does not judge me, but she does. She can't even see what she says or does is so hurtful. She wonders why I do not make more of an effort to be friends with her, but when I do talk to her about something, she reports it back to my ex. Well, duh... no wonder..... It is so condescending how she talks to me. I am sick of it. Ya know, for some one who claims she is a Christian, she sure does not act like one at times. I always believed that having faith in GOD would make people more understanding toward others and make them want to reach out in a POSITIVE way. I have been trying to give HER understanding for some time now, even though it has not been returned, but emotionally I can't take it any more.

Of course to top all that off, I find out she bought my oldest daughter some pads for when she "starts?" OK, isn't that MY job? I am her mom after all.Personally, I think she crossed over the line there. I do not understand what gave her the power to buy something like that for her without consulting me. I am just so frustrated with what they do around my children. I have seen some of the things she does with her children, and frankly, she really has no room to criticize. Needless to say, I am changing baby sitters. I have had enough of this. Hard part about this is that her daughter is best friends with my daughter.

I am sorry for venting all this. I suppose it isn't really nice to go on and talk like this about other people. But I can't keep it inside. Been going to work the last few days emotionally drained and sick to my stomach on the attitude I receive. I am literally a nervous wreck at times. I cry every other day cause life just seems so unfair at times. I have so much going on in my life that I do not need this from people. SO when I listen to the song Thankful a few times it really helps me out alot. It brings me back to a place where I need to be. Especially when I hear the lines about how we spend more time taking when we should be giving. That strikes a cord in me deeply. I can't let all this frustration take over me. I have to some how learn that some people will just always think of themselves first and think they have a right to tell others what is right and wrong with someones life....I have to just keep seeing "outside myself". I am trying, but life can be hard at times to see past my own feelings.... I need my little messages of hope and glad I can find them in a song. I don't want to be one of those people that carry on anger and resentment all their life. I can forgive her, but can't be her friend....

Then of course, there is my sweet, amazing NY friend back east. His job has changed hours and it seems we will be spending a little less time talking. They gave him some really crappy hours and it is making it more difficult to talk as often as we would like. We will, but it will be harder. He apparantly is looking for a new job as we speak. I know when you truly care about some one you will do anything to make time with them when ever possible. Even if it is long distance. I know it can be done, but its not easy. Of course nothing in my life is easy right now.... WAHHHHHHH! God, please give me strength...Give us stregth.....Why can't I do things the easy way??? LOLOLOLOLO!!!

Oh, and finally to top that off, they are shutting off my cable as my ex hadn't paid it in months. I would love to keep it, but have no extra money to afford it... So Grobanites, if Josh makes any TV apperances, I hope some one tapes it for me.....

Anyway, thanks for listening........had to vent !!!!!!! Love ya guys.... YOU ARE LOVED!!!!!!!

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