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Wanting it to end

jlbrown3711's picture
on November 25, 2007 - 2:26am

It is just after 1am and just got home from a late shift from work. I should be heading off to bed soon but my emotions are keeping me restless. The last few days have been so hard for me as the stress of everything has finally caused an overload with me and I can't bare it any longer. I do not know how to shake this feeling of despair that I suddenly find myself in. I don't know, maybe the holiday blues have hit me. I hear it does that to some folks.

But it does seem to me that I have been battling this feeling for quite sometime. It seems to be getting worse however. yes, I have even thoughts about ending it all. Not like to many people would miss me anyway. OK, maybe a few would, but sometimes I wonder what there life would be like if they didn't have to worry about me so much. I just hate to be a burden on anyone.

I suppose I should say that this latest round of depression came after my soon to be ex informed me that an eviction notice would be soon on its way. Nothing like ruining the holidays with an announcement like that. I am still only part time with work, so I am so afraid what will happen to me. I can't afford rent right now. I know my time here in this house will soon come to an end, but I just wish I didn't have to be reminded of it just before the holidays. I wanted so much to give my children one last Holiday in this house. But instead, I spent Thanksgiving in tears. I didn't have the strength or energy to make it special like I wanted it to be. It wasn't even just that, but I also miss my sweetie Barry. It is so hard to be away from someone that means so much. Just find my heart breaking over and over again. If that isn't hard enough, had a conversation with my children on Thanksgiving. I guess they know that our time is short here and they told me they wanted to live with their dad. It really hurt me to hear that. I spent so many years staying home with them and I feel as it was all wasted as they rather live with him. My ex never really had much time with them when we were together, as he was always working. But now we are separated and about to be divorced, he does so much with them. He hardly ever lets them stay at home and just hang out.... He always has to be doing something special or fun with them. God, I know that sounds so selfish of me. I do want my kids to have good times with there dad, but it just makes me look so not fun... I suppose I am a little jealous of that as my schedule does not allow me time off to do things. I can plainly see why they want to be with him more... moms too busy trying to get back on her feet. It hurts me so deeply knowing that going back to work may have cost me my children. I do not know how to get past this god awful feeling. There isn't anything I can do about that. I do have to work. I feel like such a failure to my children now that I just don't enjoy my life as I use to. When will this hurt leave? When will I feel good about life again? When do I get my ole spunky self back? When will I stop wanting to hurt myself? When will I stop asking so many questions that I know I will not find the answer too.

I am so grateful that I have Barry to talk to. He has been a godsend to me. He always has a joke ready for me when I need one.When we do talk, it is probably the only time I feel content with my life. Its the only time when I am not thinking of problems or worries. Just wonderful conversation that makes me feel good. For those moments we share together, laughter comes through me again... I just wish I could carry that through the rest of days. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing him any good by being a part of his life. He has a beautiful son himself , so he already has enough to deal with other than my life's worries. He says he will always be by me through this all, and I do find comfort in that, but being so far away, I know he feels bad he can't do more. Life is so hard right now.......emotionally!

Anyway, that sums up my feelings right now. Spent this evening at work fighting the tears back as I kept hearing sappy Christmas songs on the store radio. Usually I enjoy a good love song, but not these days.... I just hurt so much right now to enjoy anything. Hope it gets easier after the holidays pass......Although Barry is suppose to come out and see me soon so maybe I can look forward to something. I hope he does as I really need to see him. But not sure if I should get my hopes up in that. I don't think I could handle another let down..Life has away of keeping us apart .... I suppose we will just have to wait and see. Waiting, that is the story of my life.... I hate it.

WEll, could write more, but getting sleepy. I am so emotionally drained with all my thoughts of worthlessness. Time to put my brain to rest for now..... Take care all. You are Loved...... Thank you for listening.....

Please God, save me from this pain.........

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