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when will it stop

jlbrown3711's picture
on December 9, 2007 - 8:19pm

I wish it would stop. I wish I would stop hurting and I wish that my soon to be ex would stop trying to control me. Spent the last few days in isolation in my house as my work, the knowledge of loosing my house, and financial situation has gotten me a little depressed. yeah, add not seeing a dear friend of mine hurts too, but just not knowing where I am going to be in a few months has me MORE SO so scared and depressed. So this past few days I thought I would just turn the phones off and just have time to myself without distraction. I don't know why I thought that was OK, cause my ex can't seem to understand my NEED for being alone OR QUIET. I can't count the number of times he has tried to call me. It gets annoying hearing the same dam message over and over again. Even my daughter has tried calling me, but I don't answer those calls cause I know perfectly well he will try to talk to me that way. I just can't seem to understand why he can't respect my time to myself. My life is so stressed right now about finding a new place to live. I don't need to get stalked by him. That's exactly what he is doing to me too. SO, as today went on I call my daughter Sarah back and talk to her for a few moments. Sure enough, before the call ends he gets on the phone and starts going off his views again. I told him I wasn't in the mood to hear it and want to be left alone. Is that good enough? No, he has to keep calling over and over and over again and then eventually coming over and pound on my door. Of course I don't answer the door, but it doesn't matter, he just barges right in anyway. He forces me to listen to his views on the "possible" reasons why my dear friend hasn't visited me yet. Once again, when I am feeling low he wants to bash him without even knowing the facts. Sure, I suppose he could be using me....not sure how one could be used on line, but there is always a possibility when you talk to someone over the Internet. I am a big girl and know the dangers. Even if it was true, being hurt in relationships is a part of life and I would get over it. But no flags have risen for me to worry.But its funny, I have met alot of people who have met there sweethearts on line and things turned out fine. Not every one on line is a creep and out to get me. I don't have money to go out there, does that make me a creep??? Relationships aren't always easy and a person can't just act on it just because they have feelings. Some times life gets in the way and makes it hard to be with the person they want to be with. Anyway, I am forced to listen to his absurd ideas even though I am screaming and crying for him to just leave me alone. He sees what that does to me and yet he continues. I don't get why he thinks that's love. Why does he have to pick a time when I am down on life to add his own thoughts and feelings about it especially at a time when I wanted some time to be alone.. Its hard to believe he could use my time of sorrow and use it for his own purposes. How sad is that? I wanted peace today but instead I get his lectures and his threats to find my friend.. What right does he have to lecture me on things when he feels like it. I am not a child that needs to have people control what goes on in my life. Dam it, I am 37 years old. If I get hurt by someone, then I do. A life lesson for me. I am tired of him thinking it is OK to just have his way on his time. My feelings didn't even matter to him or else he would have understood I needed my time alone. He claims it is out of love, but you know, when you truly love someone, you don't try to control them or make them hear things when they aren't ready to. YOU DON'T FORCE SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO YOU. I am hurting so much at his behavior. Once again he has proven to me his controlling side and that no matter what I do, or how I move on in my life, it will never be good enough or all my own. For awhile I thought he was really trying to be a good friend and respecting my decision, but time has shown he has not changed that much. I admit, I really wish my life would end right now. I have so much stress I don't even no where to begin to handle it. I use to think I was strong enough to avoid such measures, but the way I feel right now, I know I am not. He has pushed me to a level that it is scaring me. I know I probably shouldn't write all this down in my blogs because I know for a fact that someone he knows will dam well report this back to him. They have for sometime and frankly it is disgusting how one can use my thoughts and feelings to throw back at me. Sure, my blogs are open to the public. I write because it gives me a place to sort out my thoughts that I can't say out loud.It brings me such pleasure to use my words to describe how I feel. But it is apparent that someone thinks its OK to use them to keep track of me and what I do in my life and keep him posted on it. JUST DISGUSTING.... Its a sad world when I can't even express my feelings in peace without some fall out. Today's events all started because of a stupid blog....just so childish that a grown man can hurt someone he supposedly cares about by using this against me. I don't know if I should just be myself and continue this, or just give it all up...... AND HE WONDERS WHY MY FEELINGS HAVE LEFT??? He still won't allow me to just be me......

Anyway, I am upset, depressed and uncertain whats going to happen to me. I blame all this on him......I have to figure a way to get out of this sadness and forget what he has done to me. If anyone has any thoughts on this, please im, call, or email me...I could use all the friends advice about now. Please talk me out of this GOD awful thoughts I have........

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