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It Continues

vijaykumar's picture
on October 11, 2008 - 10:07pm

I thought this sophomoric saga over this boy was over and yet...here we are.

The next installation.

I thought I was fine with it. I thought I could live with him not feeling the same way for me as I do him. I thought many things. And then they all come tumbling down like so many glasses in a twister to shatter into a million sparkling, jagged splinters.

Last Saturday we went to a party at one of the off-campus theatre houses. At the party was a bunch of the new freshmen class, including Sammi, a blind actor who hit it off with him from the start. They spent a good deal of the party sitting next to each other on the couch, talking and such. I was having a great time talking with other people and generally enjoying the social scene. At one point, though, I ended up next to the two, not really paying attention to them. I guess something happened when I wasn't watching but I had no clue.

Tuesday arrives and with it another smaller party at another theatre house. It's getting late and all who are left are myself, Marshall, Sammi, and Meghan, Sammi's walk home. The house kicks us out and we walk Sammi and Meghan back to the freshman dorm. As Marshall is walking me back to my dorm, en route to his apartment, he makes a crack about how the two of us have been out this late all too often this past weeks. Ha ha. Then he tries to apologize for Saturday. I had no clue what he was talking about, and thought he meant some trivial thing that had happened earlier that evening. I let it go and we depart.

This brings us to this Thursday. Yesterday was Fall Break Day so naturally if you weren't heading home for the three day weekend and were a theatre major you were at the Masonry once more partying it up. Marshall and I hung out before the party and then he realizes he has a text from Sammi. She's the only freshman left and needs a walk to the Masonry. We pick her up as we head over. At the party the two once more end up talking on the couch. I have my suspicions at this point and am just generally upset. I grab Shanna, my roommate and best friend who has had some experience with Marshall as well. I tell her the whole sob story and she reveals that Saturday, Sammi had been snuggling Marshall and just being flirty and, while I had been right there not paying attention, he had leaned down and kissed her.

I was shocked, but not altogether surprised, considering how he'd been acting this past week. Still, it hurt to actually hear that he had done that.

I fell. It's the best way to describe it. For about two years now I've suspected that I have a minor form of bipolar disorder, and what I did next just adds to the evidence. I ended up leaving the party alone and going to bed. The next morning I get up and take my bike out. I bike for over two hours with my iPod playing the same seven songs over and over. Several times I am forced to pull over to either cry or get sick or some strange combination of the two.

When I finally come back to my room, Shanna is leaving with her friend to go home for the weekend. So I'm alone. The next part is the stupidest thing I've ever done and I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. I took about five Tylenol PM and 15 ibuprofen and went to bed. I know that it was incredibly unintelligent and extremely life threatening-I was alone and not a soul knew how I'd been feeling or had reason to suspect such a rash act on my part. But being inside my head yesterday was the scariest place I've ever been. It felt like the world had swallowed me up. I could find no reason to exist anymore; I hated every single aspect of myself. Every single thing. And so I tried to rid myself of the pain.

I was fine after many hours of black sleep. Still exhausted, but numbed and non-thinking. I finally texted Marshall to find out what he was up to. He replied that he was having some of his non-major friends over. I told him I needed to talk to him after they left. Around midnight, he texted me, asking if I still wanted to talk. I replied in the affirmative, and he came over. He found me almost asleep again outside of my dorm. I told him what I had done and that I hated myself entirely. He gave me a big hug and asked what had happened to trigger it. I felt horrible, but I told him the truth that it had started when I found out about him kissing Sammi. God, I hated to drop that bombshell on him but it was the truth. He absorbed it though and we spent the next two hours talking. I was just feeling better when I was dumb enough to ask him what his plans were for tonight that he had brushed over. He replied that it would be best for him not to talk about it "given the circumstances." I knew what that meant: he had a date with Sammi. I acknowledged it and tried not to fall again, which I was successful in doing.
He left me shortly after, securing a promise from me that I would not take any more drugs.

I am trying to be mature about this, to accept that, for whatever reason, I am not attractive and that the man I love-and yes, I love Marshall with all my heart-has his eyes on other girls. I am trying to accept that I have a problem and need to seek counseling. I am trying to not have a problem with seeing him with Sammi and I am trying not to hate Sammi. It is incredibly difficult though and I have never cried this much within a 48 hour span.

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