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YOUR HORRORSCOPE ... heh heh

ObiWanCannoli's picture
on February 1, 2009 - 9:02pm

FOR THE RECORD THESE ARE JOKES ...

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let's face it—a "pompous fart."

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You've never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

The stars farking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Sure, a spoon full of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it's suppositories you're struggling with, the spoon isn't going to help.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You'll be forced to undergo surgery to remove the lump from your throat. Though it's becoming a woman and not cancer of the larynx that will send you to the hospital.

Your Birthday Today

You'll learn a lot about yourself in the days to come. Namely, what happens when a foot-wide gash is opened right beneath your spine.

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