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Writing won't help me this time. I'll give it a go...

Nessa7's picture
on January 16, 2010 - 12:56am

You don’t have to read this.

If you could send me prayers and much needed positive thoughts.

Thank you.

Not quite sure why, but all of a sudden, I’ve been feeling a bit gloomy. Or…maybe I do. There’s a great deal of things going on that are upsetting…and not just from my own life. Sometimes I get alarmed that I might end up in the hospital (from what happen in 2006…some of you might remember). Just…don’t want to end up depressed, because at times…no one can, physically, do a thing to change certain situations.

The last thing that has added to my not so cheerful mood, has been the Haiti tragedy. Hearing all the news updates, and seeing all those horrific pictures, are completely heartbreaking. If you can help, in ANY way, please do.

Text HAITI to 90999 and donate $10.

Send supplies by UPS under 50lbs a package and it’s sent for free.

http://www.redcross.org/

My hear and prayers are with them.

Continuing…

Other things that are just out of my control (when I wish I had some kind of useful superpower). I’ve started remembering my first best friend. He passed away when were in the second grade, in a car accident. I still remember his smile, and the fun we’ve had in that short amount of time that we’ve barely lived. I miss him so much and there are days when I still shed a tear for him. I only have one picture of him. He’s name was Miguel.

Also…since my older brother moved back home, he’s been helping my parents out with the house rent. BUT, we’re still having trouble paying it and my parents are devastated to think that we might end up losing the house. After all the sweaty, dirty work we’ve put in it. To give you an example…the first day we came in to clean the house…there was a homeless person sleeping and every single room, including the garages, had empty bottles of liquor and used syringes. Plus, they still owe money on something else that involves the house.

My younger brother is still wasting his money on useless things and instead of helping out my parents, since he actually has a job and isn’t doing anything to get in touch with his own son and helping him! He rather pay the bigger half of the rent where he sleeps on a couch…but it’s okay to him…because he has a girl to bed. Seriously? The part that really gets me angry, is that he acts like he cares about he’s baby boy (Ayden) talks about him, but does NOTHING. He, honestly, THINKS that fathering a child is SAYING that he loves him and not even meeting him. There’s no shock, to me, that he thinks that. That’s how he’s somewhat existing brain works. I’ve always said I was adopted. And, that I see my Mother really sad at times because she has a grandchild out there that she really wants to meet. At least, buy him some diapers. The girls Mother controls her. Her decisions. Her thoughts. Everything. One of these days…she’s going to realize what her Mother has done and recent her.

The car. My car has given me so many problems. We’ve tried to fix it so many times, put so much money in to it (that I will pay my Mother back), and it broke down on Wednesday night, just before I left for rehearsals. The day before school started. My Dad is going to try and fix it on Saturday, but if he has to use money…then, it’s history. Which means, that I’ll be riding the bus at 10pm, from school (the only classes that were open!) and I might have to resign from the substituting job because I won’t be able to get to schools around the city when I’m called. And…I got a parking citation on Tuesday. Because the meter ran out of time. Mmkay.

The Family. They are hypocrites, unsupported, and they just won’t shut up about other people. And just to me. To others…outside the household…they are nice. I can’t live with them any longer. Yeah, everyone has problems with their families, but here…I’m upset, here, many more times, than I am happy. Or at least, half smiling. I try to stay away from them as much as I can…but with no money and with no car…I hide in my room. I cry. The tears just start falling..making sure it’s when everyone’s asleep, because they’ll just make fun of me. That I’m exaggerating and laugh at me and call me fat. That’s right. I was looking at pictures from a few years ago…I wasn’t overweight…but they always said I was. My Mother…she thinks I’m her chauffer! Seriously? And she won’t stop bugging me about having a baby. They all NEED me to find someone and get pregnant! Excuse me? It’ll happen when it does! In all honesty…I’m wanting a baby. Still…they are overdoing this. When I came home with the great news that I’ll be getting a teaching certificate and then my AA in ECE soon…there was no reaction. All they said, “But you’re getting more classes after, right? You’re getting a much better degree.” Wow. What a way to congratulate me. Sometimes I get scared, that when I do finally move out…I’m gonna want to ignore them. I’m not that kind of person, but they are making EVERYTHING difficult.

There. My whining. Pretty positive that I’ve forgotten one or two things. I feel stupid and selfish complaining about my own problems, when there’s people around the world with problems that no human should go through. But they are. Frightingly…they won’t stop.

Saddening.

Besides my Nephew, Niece, Best Friend and “Nephew” (BF baby boy) and school…There are two things happening this month that are keeping me sane.

Promise. A much more lighthearted and exciting entry will be written.

I hope that the rest of you are doing well. XX

Love, peace and light,

Nessa

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