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AH!!!!!!!

vijaykumar's picture
on July 15, 2004 - 9:07pm

I am, by nature, a moody person. But, since I am unaccustomed to coming to terms with other people's reactions, more often than not i mess up. Why? What made me have to be this way? Why, why, why, why, WHY???!!! Life sucks sometimes, I get that--but this is almost unbearable. My emotions are going every which way at once. I can't play, I can't sing, I can't drum... I'm about to EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*grumbles & begins to babble mindlessly in Russian* It's not fair... I'm tired of being corrected and feeling like an idiot. Not only do my parents think i'm naive but my best friends do too. I try to act like I know, but I don't. Inside I'm just this shy, insecure, self-concious, quirky... girl. I'm just a girl. Not an airhead necessaily. I know what I want, but I can't see the barriers & I hate it when people shove them in my face. Why can't people accept beauty without comparing it? Why can't someone see a Renoir and just stare in awe without viewing it in comparison to the Cezanne behind it? Why am I treated like an imbecile? Am I one? have i gotten so lost in my music & theatre that i've ceased to be in sync with the real world? am i just that far out in orbit? what's wrong with me? why do i just want to sink into a corner and never be seen again accept by the one person in the world i think might get me? why do i want to be a performer? why do i have this desire to make people experience the passion & emotion of a song and a story? why do I get so frustrated when i can't do it? why do i love so completely and fear so utterly? why is everything black and white to everyone? there's a right side and there's a wrong side--who's to say who knows the truth and who doesn't? why does everyone have the desire to prove other people wrong and in the process themselves right? i have so many questions, but every answer just brings more queries. i hate feeling this way... i hate being this way. Why can't i just show people who i am? what am i so afriad of? that they'll hate me, insult me, call me names...? do i have to first have faith in myself before others will follow? how do i find that faith? why can't i trust in myself and my own talent? why am i so desperate for any small word of praise? what... what am i going to do?

all my love,
johanna

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