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Keeping myself going even when heart is not in it...

on December 17, 2006 - 10:02am

It is a gorgeous Sunday morning and all is very quiet at the Brown home. My oldest daughter Emily went to work with dad this morning, and so its just Sarah, Kevin and myself today. Oh yes, Brownie too. Yep, Spouse does work Sundays too at times. I tell you his work habbits are so messed up its not even funny. But thats a story for another day. I thought about yesterdays post and I can not help but laugh when I think about it. I must have been totally out of my mind. Thats ok, we are all entitled to those days when we just don't think rationally. Just some have those days more often than others. LOL. Ho hum, why ya all looking at me like that?

I had this huge headache last night, but despite the fact , I still managed to make myself go on a walk. I have been really good all week about going on them. I have done one almost every night now and I feel real proud of myself that I am making myself do them even when I don't really feel up to it. I get this real sense of accomplisment afterwards. It is an amazing feeling knowing that I am doing something good for myself. But last night, I took my Closer CD which I hadn't listen to in quite awhile. It was nice to hear something different. Very refreshing. I think all the songs that struck me last night as I walked in the night time air was Mi Morena. Don't know why, but that song just sounded beautiful as my feet hit the pavement, and watched the stars in the night time sky.I am starting to get addicted to these night time walks. Having the music really keeps me going. I think the reason why I have been inspired to do all this walking is that every morning when I take my kids to school, I see this older man walking almost the same path every single day. I have lived in Gustine for quite a few years now, and I can't remember a day when I haven't seen him walk. Yes, he is older, and probably is retired, but the fact that he does it every single day is just so remarkable. To have that kind of discipline and determination is something truly worth admiring. He is the kind of person we should look up to. I know, look up to somebody who just walks? Yes, because he is doing something for himself that he knows he should. How many people do you know can stick to something like that every single day?I have seen people take better care of their homes and cars then they do their own bodies. I admit, it is really hard to do. Some people were just born with will power and discipline like you wouldn't believe. Sadly, I have to really work at it. But if I don't try, then I won't know how far I can go. I am so determined to get this body to feel better and be the best it can be that I am really putting more effort into it. Its not that I am in bad shape, cause honostly, I am pretty ok with myself considering I have had 3 kids. I just feel the need to keep myself going in a positive direction, and that starts with being physically fit. I can't say I will be able do this every single day, but I am trying to do what I can. Yeah for me!

Ok, enough with the I can do it speech. HAHAHA. Silly me, on a roll again. ANYWAY, I saw a movie last night before I went to bed. It was called Christmas Do Over. It is kind of like the movie Ground Hogs day in which the character re lives the same day over and over, except this movie he relives Christmas. Can you imagine reliving one day over and over? How freaky would that be? If I had to re live a day over and over, I would have to say either the day I first met Josh, seeing that was the first time I ever saw him ever sing in person which was too cool for words, or The day I met Michael Buble. I wish I would have remembered to speak to him as well. I regret not thanking him too.Especailly after what he did for me and Emily at his first concert. What a wonderful person he is. But the moment itself was still awesome. What, you suprised I didn't say getting married or having a child? HAHAHA. Who the heck wants to relive the joy of labor over and over? And as for the married part, well, one time is painful enough as well..... LOL.... I know, me bad for saying that. HAHAHA. But the movie last night was a cute movie to say the least. Too bad you can't go back and re live days. There would be things I would have done differently. Darn reality!

Well, let see, what do I have planned today? Hm, not much. Just keeping up with the house cleaning now that a couple of members are gone for the day. I am hoping to go on another walk later, but we shall see. I may do some more writing as I have neglected that lately. Just have not been too inspired. Maybe I will suddenly find some inspiration, who knows.

Hope every one has a great day and smiles at all the great possibilities a new day can bring. Remember to go hug a friend today!!! My tip for today is remember when men get sick, it is the end of the world..... Ok, not all men, but...........

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Sorry about this post

on December 16, 2006 - 5:15pm

What a cold, dreary Saturday it is. Ususally I love this weather but I am feeling like nothing can make me happy today. Ever wake up just knowing your day was going to feel like it was out to get you? I woke up as late as I could as my body just seemed really overly tired for some strange reason. Maybe my mind has been working extra hard these days, but when I did finally manage to get up, I just had this feeling come over me like just wanting to be left alone. From everyone. Spouse is home again with his illness driving us all crazy, my kids are home now, and two of them are sick as well. It has been a struggle to keep the house clean and maintain my sanity the last few days. But I try, knowing that I have responsibilities to them and being the grownup I am must face those tasks even if my heart isn't in it. Today it is more than just not wanting to do chores, or even being with anyone. Its just that I am not feeling up for anything. Its times like these I really hate being a woman. Yes people, you know it is bad when I have to blog about "that time" lol. FORGIVE ME! But it really is a sucky time of life for a woman. Men too I think! HAHAHAH. You know, I might have a lot of issues with my own spouse, and believe me, I could write a book, but there are times when I do feel sorry for him. To Be in a house with three other females is probably a very difficult thing to have to deal with. He is so out numbered. LOL. Its not so much the pain of it that is awful, but the emotional roller coaster that really makes a woman feel like not herself. At times, like now, I seem to want to stay the hell away from everyone I know, and just sit in a dark room and just cry til I can't cry any longer. But I can't do that. I have kids to look after. It wouldn't be a good idea to have them see mom act this way. Then there is times I find myself in a car and I hear a song on the radio and all of a sudden, I am fighting back tears not knowing why. I wonder if men ever feel like doing this? Do they have monthly emotional issues? Do they cry when they hear some Red Hot Chili Pepper song? Do they see their teams loose and just break down? Or do they get hostile when they loose the remote control and have to actually walk over to the TV? HAHAHAH! I haven't even been able to get on FOJG the past couple of days either like I normally would. I do miss my friends there, but just don't feel up to talking about anything to anyone. Just even talking about Josh this, Josh that has gotten to me a bit. (to put it mildly). I seriously hate the feeling of not being in control over my feelings.It always leaves me in such an emotional state and I don't like it at all. I suppose I feel sorry for spouse because when he asks me whats wrong, I will just shrug and say I don't know, or sometimes nothing at all..... Women can just be so hard to read at times and sometimes we don't really know whats wrong.All we know is that we don't feel right. And you know we aren't going to say to them that we are acting like this because we are seriously having hormonal issues. No, we are going to say every thing is their fault. Sad, but true. I can admit we are not easiest people in the world at certain times, but when we our ourselves we are great. PLEAE REMEMBER THAT!!! HAHAHAHHA! I know, what a thing to blog about, but such is life. I am a women and human nature has burden me with the Joys of all that being a woman brings. Life itself isn't always fun to talk about, but I think it is necessary that we talk about it anyway. I even debated weather I should write this blog or not, but realized there is more to me then just happy moments. Its also good to express those feelings even when they are brought out by hormonal reasons. * repeats to self, I am human, I am human* I think it is also important that we laugh about it when we can so it does not drive us nuts. Or the men in our lives nuts either. So with that, I say Hugs to all the men who have to deal with women on a regular basis......You are truly brave creatures. Got to love ya for it!

If you actually read this, then brave you are. HAHAHAH. What can I say, I am a true dork and always will be. Anyway, must go relax and forget my stress for the time being. Just know I am not a total monster this time. Just an emotional one.....I will be back to chipper self soon. Maybe! Hugs to those who need one....

My tip for today is give men a break atleast once in a month!!!!!!!!

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on December 15, 2006 - 5:34pm

Happy Friday to all. Its a late blog for me as I have just returned from the movies with my daughter Sarah. I took her to go see Charlottes Web. I must say what a cute movie it was, however, not as great as the book, or even the original cartoon of it. But it was cute none the less. Suddenly, I have a strong desire to have a pig! HAHAHA! I think the one thing missing from this movie was all the wonderful songs that the original cartoon brought. Music for me usually ties in with a movie,and has a way of bringing out the story even more, and so without it, just does not seem right. But I enjoyed going, as I do going to most movies. I guess because for an hour and a half, a story can take you to some other place. A place where your mind can live in a world of imagination for even just a moment.Lets me escape reality for just a little while. Even a simple child hood story such as Charlottes Web can lift you up with its beautiful message. Friendship is one of the best messages you can teach your children. Heck, friendship is something you SHOULD be able to teach most adults as well. As I was sitting their watching the movie I realized there seems to be a lot of great movies for children these days and I have pretty much been to most of them. As for the ones that really interest me, well, those are hard to find. I am a bit more pickier in the things I see for myself. I actually almost prefer the ones made for children. I generally stay away from movies with too much graphic violence, sex, or bad language. I think alot of movies loose their importance or meaning when doped up with way too much violence or foul language.As for the sex part, well, I am a little more tolerant on that. After all, it is human nature. HAHAHAHA! Too much is just a big turn off for me. Atleast most of the time anyway.* giggles* That pretty much leaves alot of movies out for me. I believe the last movie I did see that wasn't made for kids was The Last king of Scottland. Now theres a movie that had some violence.But in this case, it was something that needed to be shown in that movie to make its point. I actually found it appropriate in this film. Although I admit I did have to close my eyes in a few scenes. Sometimes, and rarely, does violence make the movie more dramatic, and worth while seeing. But thats only if its done right.Just give me a good storyline and I am happy. Anyway, that was an awesome movie.

Ok, we were off to the movies earlier today, and I cannot tell you how many cars that passed us that were in such a hurry. Why do people feel the need to rush to get to places? Especially this time of year? I wasn't slow, or speeding either, but apparantly it makes people upset if you actually obey the speed limit.Why do they have speed limits when almost nobody pays attention to them? What happened to just slowing things down and just getting there when you get there?Life is just to short to be rushing through traffic like that. Put on a good CD, and enjoy the drive. Atleast thats what I do. It was just a frustrating moment because I had my daughter in the car and people just drove crazy around us. It really bugged me. No wonder there are so many accidents on the road. I wish people were not in such a hurry get to places. LEAVE EARLIER FOLKS! Don't mean to complain, but when you are driving with children, it becomes an issue with me. It takes a lot to irritate me, but stupid driving is one of the few things that does get to me easily.Not that I have never done anything stupid, but I atleast try to be respectful toward other drivers. Seems the impatientness really comes out in people this time of year. Its a shame too, cause its a time of Peace and Love.

I am home now, my kids have officially been excused from school til January, and are all about to watch Christmas movies. Don't ya just love this time of year? I am not sure if I am happy because I don't have to get up so early for the next few weeks or if I am scared of all the trouble they may get into. Either way, Christmas day should be a good one for them. Being with them on this magical day will make everything worth while. So, I am going to go grab some hot Chocolate, and relax for the rest of the evening. Hope every one else finds their little pleasures of life. Theres plenty to discover!

My tip for today is to not put the dogs poop that he just made on the kitchen floor into the garbage can in the kitchen. It will stink up the house still....... !!!!!!!

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Back to Buble........ For the moment!

on December 14, 2006 - 4:32pm

Hello on this late Thursday Afternoon. I have been busy as usual, trying to get things done before the kids are off for vacation.One more day!!! yikes!!! I know once they are off, not much will get done. Spouse was home today with a cold, and drove me crazy. Why is it then men act so different when they are sick then women do? I don't want to bash men, my spouse or anyone, but to them its like the end of the world. I am sure some women complain when they are sick, but for us stay at home moms, we generally have to work through or illnesses. We usually do it without slowing us down either. So why is it men want to be feel sorry for themselves when they come down with a bug and feel the need to tell us every chance they get? Just my observation. I guess we all have our days when we complain more than usual. Just sometimes I don't think my spouse knows all the pain I have had to deal with the last few years, so hearing him complain over a cold seems quite silly to me.

I had this interesting dream last night. No, it wasn't about Josh, but it did have Michael Buble in it. There wasn't really a story to this dream, just Michael chasing me in a room trying to take off my clothes. It actually started with some stranger doing that, but then he left and Michael came in. Nothing else happened sad to say, but it still made me laugh.It left me wondering what was on my mind the night before? Needless to say when I went out this morning to do some personal shopping for myself, I had this strong desire to play his music. The first song that came on was Feeling Good. Yes Michael, at that moment I was feeling good. HAHAHAHHA! So what do you think that dream meant? Never mind, don't tell me. I have the most unusal dreams. I suppose ever since I saw him on Oprah, it kind of got me into his music again. Ever have moments when all you do is listen to one artist constantly, and kind of put everyone else you like on hold for a short time? I guess I have been doing that ever since AWAKE came out. Thats all I have been listening to. But today, I broke out the Buble and listened to it and it sounded better than ever. My favriotes are still Home and Save the Last Dance. I can't get enough of those songs. I guess taking a break from music can sometimes refresh your enthusiasm for it once you hear it again.Once I heard it, was like falling in love all over again. I can't imagine I need a break from listening to Josh, but you know, it would not be the end of the world if I did that. I think it might actually do me good if I did . Especially considering I have been playing him every chance I get. But we shall see......I just can't help but play Josh. He is a brilliant singer!

Have you ever heard a song on the radio that keeps coming on when you are in the car going somewhere? I have had these moments recently where I would hear the song The Riddle, by the group Five for Fighting,( I think thats what it is called) and for some reason, I keep getting so emotionally hooked on that song that it seems to be on every time I turn on the radio. I don't know too much about the group, but I have enjoyed a few of their songs. But this particular song some how seems to grab me when I hear it. Once again, I have no explanations as to why either. Sometimes the best music will grab me in such a way that no reasons as to why I am drawn to it comes to mind. But do we really need reasons to feel something that touches us? I don't think so. I do think the lyrics of the song are beautiful. I can seriously relate to them. Maybe thats why I like it as much as I do... HMM!!??? I just embrace the fact that it reaches out to me. The last time I have had this kind of moment was a few years back when an old friend from the past killed himself and after his death I kept hearing the same song from I believe was one of his favriote singers. It litterally would come on every time I got into a car. It got to the point that it started freaking me out.To this day when I hear that song, I get goose bumps. It is not my type of song, but it makes me think of him when I hear it. Isn't it amazing how songs can grab your emotions like that? I honostly would not know what to do if I ever lost my hearing. Music is a gift! Music is so much a part of me. I may not have the talent to play or sing anything, but the passion for it is always there....Its probably why I go on about it so often.... LALAL, I can't help myself...LALALALALAL!!!!!!!!Yes, still the goober!

Anyway, tonight is my daughters recitial. I am looking forward to her performing for the first time ever. These are the moments that make us moms proud. Wish her luck every one! I hope every one has a pleasant evening. Hugs and smooches to all! FINISH THAT DARN SHOPPING FOLKS!!!!!

My tip for today, is don't complain when you have dreams over some hot singer chasing you around a room. Learn to embrace the dream........ HAHAHAHAHAH

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My son went PEeeeeee

on December 13, 2006 - 8:22pm

Ok, I know this won't mean much to you, but my precious little son went Pee on the potty today. He is only 4, and been a real stubborn kid to potty train, so this was a big deal for him. FOR ME TOO!!!!!! He is one of those kids that want to stay a baby as long as he can. Anyway, just wanted to share my news....... LOL..... I have such a life!!!! HAHAHAH!

Good night my sweet Grobie friends. I hope you have wonderful dreams tonight that take you to places that you have never been... Hugs to all who so need one!!!



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