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A Deeper Question

on March 19, 2007 - 5:56pm

Dear Josh - I am exhausted from my busy day teaching preschool, but I am feeling better emotionally since I last wrote.

Whenever I feel like I need somebody too much, I am probably avoiding a deeper spiritual question that I need to address. This was true last week as I wrestled once again with my attraction to you.

Josh, you are an instrument in the hands of God. Your voice and your music points to what is good, beautiful, and true in the Divine Other that I worship. Your voice and your music ministers to the depths of my soul and because of that you have given me a priceless gift and it is a gift that can not be replicated by another.

But my tragic flaw in life is that I confuse the gift with the giver. In my life, I have made other people into false gods. Yes, with age comes wisdom, and I catch myself when I fall a lot faster now, but I still fall. And I knew that I would fall once again when you came to Rochester, New York. There really was no avoiding it. It was going to happen again and that really bothered me.

So I prayed FIERCELY for you in the days, weeks, and months prior to the concert. But I also prayed for profound humility in me so that I would let go of any need within me to make a connection with you. During the second half of the show, when you appeared in the audience far away from me, I knew that God answered my prayer for humility in triplicate, but it did not make letting you go any easier.

But despite my above mentioned fault, God wanted me at your concert. He even delighted at the excitement I felt with your upcoming arrival. And that is something that I just can not understand, and it is something that I am afraid to talk about with my God.

For years now, whenever I see you, I have a super-strong pull on my heart to pray for you. I do not pray for your safety or your success, although those things are important. Instead I pray that you will always remain close to God and that you will someday become a man after God's own heart. But I wonder how God could delight in those prayers for you when there are other things to be prayed for? After all you have everything: talent, health, money, good looks, success, and a loving and devoted family. What more could you need except a stronger relationship with God. Now I will never know the status of your relationship with God, but I keep getting this sense that is why I should be praying for you. And does God take delight in that when there are people who are penniless, starving, and naked in this world who need my physical presnce and my prayers more than you do. I have wept many bitter tears since your concert on March 10 because I can not believe that God could love me that much. I just can not wrap my head or my heart around it. I just hope that God will use my measly prayers to accomplish all that needs to be accomplished in you during your lifetime.

As far as my place in Grobania is concerned, I have found it. I am the LEAST OF ALL THE GROBANITES. I am like a maggot or worm on the windshield of your music career. If I fly away or get killed, it will not matter to you or anyone else here. My purpose as your fan is known only to God, and I must trust that His purpose and will is perfect even though we will never be a part of each other's lives.

I know that this sounds self-depricating, but it is not. I know that it also sounds like you are heartless, but you are not. I am a Grobanite, that I will not deny. But your definition of being a Grobanite is very skewed. There is no REAL intimate relatioship between you and I- not even through your music. You are NOT mine and I am NOT yours, even though I wish that I could be sometimes. You belong only to God and someday to a beautiful woman who is lucky to be your wife. I belong to God and to someone else too. So in reality, I am just another person who is deeply attracted to you through your music, and you are just another entertainer who makes goodness, beauty and truth come alive through your music. I wish there could be more, but I must accept what is. By so doing I will then have the freedom to begin to relate rightly to you in the eyes of God, and for me, that is all that matters.

I am going to close this entry with the song "So She Dances." It is your song, so I know that you know the words, but the poetry speaks volumes about the desires that I have in my heart for you, and I want you to hear it from my perspective. So here it goes:

"A waltz when he walks in the room. He pulls back the hair from his face. He turns to the window to sway in the moonlight. Even his shadow has grace.

A waltz for the boy out of reach. He lifts his hands up to the sky. He moves with the music. The song is his lover. The melody's making us cry.

So he dances in and out of the crowd like a glance. This romance is from afar CALLING ME SILENTLY.

A waltz for the chance I should take. But how will I know where to start. He's spinning between constellations and dreams. The rhythm is my beating heart.

So he dances in and out of the crowd like a glance. This romance is from afar CALLING ME SILENTLY. I can't keep on watching forever. I'd give up this view just to tell him.

When I close my eyes I can see. The spotlights are bright on you and me. We've got the floor, and you're in my arms. How could I ask for more?

So he dances in and out of the crowd like a glance. This romance is from afar CALLING ME SILENTLY. I can't keep on watching for ever, and I am giving up this view just to tell him...."

May God continue to bless you abundantly Josh, wherever you are.



Ampatamia's picture

Love Me For a Reason

on March 16, 2007 - 6:25pm

Dear Josh - I am still in that same kind of self-reflective mood, I was in during my last entry. Seeing the tour clip on the Friday feature did not help. It kind of reaffirms the reality that we live in two totally different worlds that will never intersect. I am VERY HAPPY for all the Grobies who get to meet and talk to you. They are quite lucky indeed to get a moment of your attention. But I also feel sad that it will never be me.

I am sorry that I feel this way. I truly don't want to, but I can not deny that I do. I am not a stalker, a crackpot or a religious fanatic. I am just a human being who needs to be honest about an attraction to someone who is out of reach. I don't want to scare, worry or offend you or any other Grobies. Instead I want to be a fan that knows her boundaries (i.e her place) and that has a right frame of mind concerning you, but to do so, I must honestly face the pain that urks in the shadows. It is how I move on now that you have come and gone.

To comfort myself, I have returned to some Osmond music. I am going to post the lyrics here with slight changes in them because the poetry speaks to what I am feeling inside. So here it goes.

The first song is called Keep Her In Mind by Donny Osmond from his 2005 album: What I Meant To Say.

"Something about how he moves me, soothes me. Whispers my name and I am rendered helpless.

All my defenses are broken now. I'm lost in this love and there's no easy way out.

I am gonna keep him in my mind. Just to keep him out of my heart. Cause I really don't want to fall in love before we even start. I know inside that he is the angel of my soul. He is the answer to my prayer. I know I'd better keep him out of sight because they say that love is blind. So I will just keep him in mind.

He is so intoxicating, amazing. His eyes burn like fire, and I'm frozen, broken.

All my defenses desert me now. I am trying to speak, but my words don't make a sound,

Keep him out my soul. Always keep him where I can't lose control. Oh no. I am falling, I feel it. I just can't believe it. How much that I need him right now.

I don't wanna. I don't wanna fall. I know inside that he's the angel of my soul. He's the answer to my prayer. I will keep him out of sight because they say that love is blind. So I will just keep him in mind."

The second song is called Love Me For a Reason by the Osmond Brothers. The poetry speaks to the uncomfortableness I feel with the words " I love you." that you use so flippantly with your fans. I am typing these words from memory so bear with me.

"Boy when you hold me, how you control me. You bend and you fold me, any way you please. It must be easy for you, the loving things that you do. But just the fact that I am for you, I can never be.

And I never know, boy, if I should stay or go boy. It's a game that you play keeps driving me away.

So don't love me for fun, boy Let me be the one, boy. Love me for a reason, and let the reason be love.

Kisses and caresses are only mine...of love which expreses between a woman and a man. So if love everlasting, isn't what you are asking. I will have to pass, boy, and PROUDLY take a stand.

I can't continue guessing because it is only messing up my pride, up my mind, so right now, it is time to tell you

Don't love me for fun, boy. Let me be the one, boy. Love me for a reason, and let the reason be love.

I am just a little old-fashioned. It takes more than a physical attraction. My initial reaction is: Honey give me LOVE not a FACSIMILE OF...

Don't love me for fun, boy. Let me be the one boy. Love me for a reason and let the reason be LOVE.

Thank you for letting me do this. May God continue to bless you, Josh, wherever you are.



Ampatamia's picture

What I learned from being a Donny Osmond. fan......

on March 12, 2007 - 6:11pm

Dear Josh - I think that I have enough peace in my spirit to do this, so I will give it ago. My heart is still reflectig on the wonderful concert that you gave in Rochester, New York on March 10th. I wrote about in a thank you note to you on the message boards. I meant every word that I said, but I left out one part. I am going to mention it here because no one reads it - not even you. So here it is safe from the intense scrutiny of Grobania.

Near the close of the show, when you introduced your band, I remember being profoundly envious of you. Why, you may ask. Because your new found fame and fortune allows you to meet people that you have admired forever and eventually you become their good friend. How I wanted a "real relationship" like that with you, but none exists. I could write you all the letters in world, and post interesting threads on the message board day and night - you would never read them. In my opinion, you don't even lurk in Grobania all that often. When I write to you from my heart, the relationship between us is all an illusion. It does not exist, and when I see you in person, I am painfully reminded of this reality once again.

I have shed many tears wrestling with this reality, and in trying to come to terms with it, I am remembering the lessons that I have learned being a Donny Osmond fan.

Josh, I am 38 years old, almost 13 years older than you. I have been a Donny Osmond fan since I was 4. He was the love of my life - the idol that brought me through a very difficult period in my childhood. In my opinion all of God's blessings were showered upon him and his family. He was a god to me.

But like you, Donny Osmond is not a hero or an angel. He is just a man. And while I put him up on such a pedestal and had my imaginary relationship with him, he was profoundly lonely and caught in the grip of social anxiety disorder. It was definitely a disorded attachment that causes me pain even today.

In the three decades that I had been faithfully devoted to Donny, I truly believed that I could ever feel this way about another entertainer - and then you came along and turned my heart upside down once again.

So, when I see you in person, on the TV, or on the computer, I realize that I am caught again in the same disorded attachment I had with Donny Osmond during my childhood.

So, in my grief, I ask myself the following question: "How am I going to do this differently?" I don't want to become a super obsessed fan, like I was with Donny Osmond It is bad enough that you see me from my previous threads as a religious fanatic. I don't need you to think of me as a crackpot too.

That is why prayer is so pivotal here. I choose to pray for you not because I want you to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, and therefore be given eternal life - though all that is well and good. I pray for you so that I will order more rightly the disordered attachment that I find myself in today.

When you came to Rochester, many female fans screamed "I love you Josh!!!" And you would irreverently reply; "I love you more!!!" I laughed when this happened. This was a funny game. But this little game that you enjoy playing with your fans does make me very uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable because I do not want the words "I love you" to be used so flippantly. I want them to mean something. And they do not in the imaginary relationship that I have with you.

So, praying for you, is my way of saying "I love you" and meaning it. I wished that I could have prayed for Donny all those years that I placed him on that dizzying pedestal of godhood. He definitely needed it but I was too young and self-centered to do so. I hope that I am not this way any more.

Josh, I will never be a person of any value to you, but my prayers will always be with you. They will be there when you are profoundly anxious, lonely or confused. They will also be there when you are joyously happy with life. And I hope that my prayers will be there when you face your God. I want the best for you Josh. I know that you deserve it.

Take care and may God richly bless you wherever you are.


Ampatamia (Anne-Marie)

Ampatamia's picture

Open Mouth, Stick Foot In It

on February 21, 2007 - 9:30am

Dear Josh - I am having an open mouth, stick foot in it moment. As you know, from my previous journal entries, I can be pretty opinionated. A lot of times, I express my opinions in my journal, because I never get to the message boards and no one reads my journal. So I am pretty safe here.

But yesterday, I responded to a thread on the message board titled "Josh - What Do You Mean?" concerning some comments that you made about a song - "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode. I heard the song provided in the link and hated it. As a Christian, it was offensive to me. Then someone else talked about how it is a song about people who make a god out of another person. This comment, tied into something else that I read on this website quoted from you concerning the "intrusiveness" of your fans sent me over the edge. It just all reeked of celebrity elitism - and I hate celebrity elitism. From these two comments, it sounded like that is where you were headed. So I proceeded to tell you off. NOT A WISE MOVE!

After sleeping on what I had done, I got online this morning to find quite an earful of feedback concerning my angry comments. Even though they were hard to read, it was good. I am a sensitive person, but I am not too hurt right now. I understand why my comments got such a reaction. Many people wanted an apology, and I provided it for them as best as I could. I am sorry though for the things that I said to hurt you. I want you to grow as a celebrity, but I don't want you to become a celebrity elite. I felt that if this song was a commentary on your fans' intrusiveness, you were headed for celebrity elitism and I wanted an explanation why. It is just is not a fair judgement to all those who have loved and supported you for so long. In my thread, I tried to say that if your fans are worshiping you as a god, maybe you have a part to play in this - and you need to be held responsible and accountable for that. But I was WAY TOO HARSH in how I said it. I have been hurt and angry about your recent comments concerning your fans - after all I am one of them. Like yourself, I DO NOT LIKE the term GROBANITE, but I accept it because you have. You see it as something endearing to between yourself and your fans. Don't lose your love for your fans just because of my silly actions or the stupid actions of others. State clearly, with love, your personal boundaries as a celebrity. Even if I don't undestand your boundaries - because I am not you - I always will respect them. I know that I have some amends to make in light of my angry feedback. I still want to be your fan. If you do not want me as a fan, I can understand that. Again I am sorry for having hurt you.



Ampatamia's picture

Break-up with January eh?

on February 5, 2007 - 8:12am

Dear Josh - I do not know if this is true or not, but a couple of weeks ago, I posted a response on the message boards to a thread about a break-up between you and January. If it is true that you broke up with January - my condolences. It must be hard to end a relationship when you are faced with months and months of touring. But if you read my post on the message boards. I am THRILLED that you broke up with her. I never thought that she was right for you. I thought that you picked her for a girlfriend because a part of you still wants to be an actor. Since she is an actress, she could be a connection for you in Hollywood. I pray for you each night that somehow the decision that you make in your career will "open your eyes" and lead you into the arms of God. You are successful, Josh, not because you are good-looking or because you have a beautiful voice. You are successful because your voice and your music proclaims something of God. And as a fan who is deeply religious, I see you and your career being held in the hands of Almighty God. I know that anyone who is your fan knows this. But you may not see it because success at the level that your have achieved is blinding. That is why when you do choose a spouse, I hope that she is someone who truly fits in God's purpose for you, and that she will bring you closer to God. January could never do this. That is why if she is gone - I AM THRILLED. I feel bad that you may be hurting, but now you are in a position for someone better to enter your life. She is out there waiting for you.

I am not a heartless witch. I am praying for you daily. I want you to become the man that God wants you to be even if that means that you are no longer an enterainer. Hang in there. Good luck on the beginning of your concert tour. I am looking forward to seeing you in Rochester, NY on March 10, 2007

May God continue to bless you and hold you in the palm of His Hand - wherever you are.

Your devoted fan




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