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Why are men

on January 12, 2010 - 4:45pm

so insistent on pushing for sex on the first date?? It boggles my mind!! I've recently re-entered the tangled up irritating and confusing world of dating and have discovered to my dismay that the men I've met want only to get me in bed. Forget about talking to each other and conversing about things that matter. Forget about learning about our interests and the things that spark our minds. Oh no. Its sex sex sex and yes more sex. And it just blows my mind. I don't want to even exchange a kiss on the first date. Yes I know its old fashioned but come on. What is wrong with talking first?? Whats wrong with wanting to wait?? I've met some really great men but they don't want to respect me for wanting to hold off on getting physical so they dump me after a date or two when they realize I'm not going to invite them in my house for beddybye playtime.
I am post menopausal which complicates intimacy greatly. Add to that mix the fact that I am now a carrier for MRSA and that changes the playing field a great deal.

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I am not stupid!!

on January 5, 2010 - 11:05am

So why in the name of all that's Holy does my boss scream at me over a simple error on a document and make me feel like I'm a dunce with corn in my head instead of a perfectly working brain?? He corrected one, ONE small thing on a document that he asked me to work up. Under the scratchout he wrote the number seven. So I ask him a perfectly honest question. "Sir is this supposed to be Seven Hundred Thousand??" He screamed. "JUDY. Its EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND. I PAY YOU TO THINK". Well you know what?? I see a seven?? THAT is what I want to put on the document. Makes me so mad. But am I going to leave?? NO. Am I going to quit?? NO WAY. It's not time for me to leave this job and I am not going to quit or find other employment just because he wants to give himself an ego boost by screaming at me. This woman does not, will not fall that easily. I have survived being viciously ridiculed and teased by my peers in school and then an abusive, alcoholic father. I will not let this man make me leave this job.

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Its a New Year!!

on January 1, 2010 - 10:07am

Though its cliche and viewed by some as silly nonsense, I feel its important to write out resolutions and goals for a new year. In many ways it helps give a push to start the new year off on the right foot, you know??

So, here are my resolutions for 2010:

**I resolve to be kinder to myself. Years of being hard on myself, of constantly criticizing myself and feeling I am not worthy have taken their toll. Its time to change that. To begin with something small I am going to allot $25.00 a month for a basic manicure. Nothing fancy, but its a beginning,yes??

**I resolve to find a Church where I can reconnect with God. With the separation I had from my former Church, All Saints, I feel that in joining Good Shepherd I may have made too quick a move. So I will begin a new search for a Church that will help me reconnect with my faith and allow me to grow spiritually.

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The week with Mom and Stepdad Jim

on December 27, 2009 - 11:49pm

It was good to get away and as always awesome to see my Mom and Stepdad again but it was also a very tense time. They argued alot while I was there and it made me very uncomfortable. My stepdad Jim is a manager and it grates against my Mother when he starts in on telling her what to do or fussing about something she does. She really got angry when he told her to go find the Condo Maintenance Supervisor to see if he had some kind of plumbing tool to fix the suddenly malfunctioning toilet. I got mad at him too but its not my place to get involved so I just sat as quietly as I could and did as I was told.
It started up again over the meal plan for Christmas. Mom usually likes to have the big Christmas meal on the 23rd, when her brother and my brother and his wife are all free to come over and have a nice dinner and take leftovers home. Jim INSISTED that the meal be on Christmas Day. Which meant cooking a meal for only three. It upset my mother and Jim refused to bend or tell her what to buy at the Grocery store for the meal and they got into a huge fight. I stayed in the spare room that I use when I visit just quietly reading a book.

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My Sister in Law

on December 17, 2009 - 10:08am

Is pregnant again. She miscarried earlier this year and had to have surgery to remove it because it implanted. I want very much for her and my brother to be parents but its very hard for me. I can't have babies. I'm 38 years old and I have finished Menopause. The chances of my conceiving are less than 1 percent. Its not fair, you know?? Its my job as the eldest daughter to have a husband (yeah right who would marry me????) and a baby to give my mother a grandchild. I have to sit and watch my kid brother do everything I was supposed to do. It HURTS something awful to feel like a useless freak of a human being. No one wants to marry someone like me. I carry a potentially deadly staph infection called Methicillin Resistant Staphlococcus Aureus. I had it two years ago and it nearly ended my life. Now its in my system and won't go away. Who knows why life threw me this curveball but now I have to live with it.

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