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pearcenalaska's blog

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Heavy heart

on April 18, 2010 - 11:23am

I have a lot on my mind this morning. As some of you know I live about three parallel lives being a full-time student, part-time worker, mother of three and a wife. We moved away from Indiana because we wanted an adventure and to get our kids away from all the dysfunction of our families. Then in November I lost my Dad all of the sudden and that really shocked me. We decided to go back to Indiana after we graduate so I can pursue my Masters at Purdue University. We have grown, our kids have grown and I have a younger brother and sister that need me around. We also have nieces and nephews that we are missing grow up. Not to mention the fact that my step-mom needs us. I grew up in a family that was pretty messed up but not as bad as it could be. Our biggest problem is that my mom is so selfish. She was not a good mommy. She was a mother and took care of our food, clothing and shelter needs but not emotionally. I was a really good kid, no partying, no sneaking out, no boys and I was grounded all the time. I was disrespectful and talked back a lot because I really despised living at home from about 16 on. Finally at 18 I was kicked out.

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Seems that life goes on

on December 13, 2009 - 10:42pm

I have been gone for over 4 weeks and it is amazing how one's life can change in such a small space of time. I started writing about my Dad being sick and the up and down roller coaster of it all. I was able to get to Indiana to see him but he was not able to recover and passed away a few days after I got there. It has been quite a shock and rather numbing. He was only 53 and I did not have near enough time with him. One thing I have never told anyone is that my Dad was in prison from the time I was 5 until I was 21. So we have only had the last 9 years to build a relationship. He was really trying hard to be a good Dad and Grandpa. He was doing a rather good job. It has been a huge loss to my three children also. I spent three weeks with my step-mom in Indiana but it was time to come home and get back to the business of life. I had put my semester on hold and it was time to get things worked out. I am taking Incompletes in two of my classes and will finish them over winter break. I will be able to finish my other two classes. I will also be taking a wintermester (like maymester-a semester in two weeks) class so I won't be getting much of a break.

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Sleep? Who needs that?

on November 14, 2009 - 7:20am

Today is my husband and my anniversary! We have been married for 11 years. It has been an interesting time to say the least :) We were up until after 1:30am and then I was up at 4:30 because I can't sleep...bummer! I have a ton to do and not much time to do it. I decided to head to Indiana this coming Monday and I have to get things arranged. I am anxious to go so I can see my Dad. I got a really great deal for a one way ticket. From Alaska to Indiana I am paying $375. Plus the airline gives a bereavement discount of 15% for things like this. This is a killer deal and I am thankful for our good fortune. I have to email all my professors, make sure I take all my books and pack my clothes. Plus we are spending the day as a family. We are visiting a sick friend for lunch and then taking the kids bowling. After all that my husband is going to fix me Veggie Sushi because that's what I want for dinner. He is such an awesome man because I have some serious food restrictions and he wanted to fix me something I could eat. I can't eat gluten or dairy and that can seriously limit my food choices, if I allow it to.

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A tiny ray of hope

on November 13, 2009 - 10:15pm

I have been making plans to get to Indiana to spend time with my Dad. My husband has been such a rock and so kind and compassionate but he is in all aspects. He is making it so I can go for 3 weeks. I talked to my step-mom for a good while tonight and was able to ask more questions and they know a little bit more. He is on less oxygen (75%) they don't figure he'll ever be totally off it. He has pulmonary disease by way of fibrosis and the disease is rapidly progressive. We don't know why, it just is. He was moved out of ICU and into a regular room with a phone, so now I can talk to him. He will be in the hospital for awhile yet. They are trying to get him transferred to the hospital where my step-mom works, closer to their home. He may still be in the hospital when I get there in a little over a week. There has been talk of a lung transplant but my Dad is in no way able to do that at this time, even if it was available. He is just to weak and they said he would never survive the surgery. That is something to think about if and when he improves. He is able to do small things like shave, brush his teeth and use the toilet by his bed.

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Why???

on November 13, 2009 - 11:12am

I just posted a long entry about my Dad and the situation and now it's not there. The only part that made it is about the message board! *glares at journal page*

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