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Facing Fear...

Per.Sempre.Josh.Fan.Jan's picture
on October 27, 2011 - 7:58pm

It has been a little over three years that I have been trying to get a diagnosis for a persistent pain and mass in my abdomen, both of which have been increasing. Last April the surgeon said that he as has exhausted all tests to find the cause and the next move is a laparoscopy and I'm left with surgery as my only option to get a diagnosis. I feel like a total loser because I have no med insurance, I do not qualify for any med insurance and even if I did, I cannot afford to buy it; which leaves me in a position that I thought that I would never be in. I have had to go through county health services to get help. After months of red tape to wade through, I was finally given approval for surgery through the charitable foundation with the hospital. Only when I scheduled a surgery date, I hit a brick wall when told that the time had expired and I had to reapply; which I did and my surgery is Friday October 28, 2011 at 6:00 AM.

So I have been facing the fear. Not fear of the surgery but fear of (1) what I have wrong that evades all tests and procedures, and (2) general anesthesia because my system does not tolerate it at all. My blood pressure crashes and they have to fight to bring it back. I spoke to the surgeon about an alternative to general anesthesia and in short; there are none. After losing that battle, I'm back to my fear, which has progressed into pure terror of not waking up... ever. I prepared a folder of documents; health care directive, a will, and various letters of "In the event of my death" which includes one letter with explicit instructions regarding my treasured signed "Josh stuff" that shall be returned to FOJG; donated for a "Find Your Light Foundation" charity auction. But I hope that this will not be the time to use any of these letters and documents.

I'm alone, physically and emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I'm used to being alone and prefer it most of the time, but this is different. I so much need to go to the Sierras to my beloved Yosemite; the valley is full of the most invigorating energy and I can rejuvenate there. Those of you who have read my journal stories know that in my world Josh has been the awakening light with his healing spirit. It's been said in derogatory ways that I am obsessed with Josh. Okay; I tell them, there could be worse things. But I don't think of myself as being obsessed with Josh. I am however obsessed with how Josh makes me feel; young... creative... alive... happy and there is nothing wrong with that. I can honestly say that I know through hearing his songs sung by other artists and in melody without vocals that it is Josh, his voice and his soul that reaches out through his songs that is so healing. And to bring together in that one place; to feel the strength of Yosemite in my soul and hold the light of Josh in my heart is the sanctuary where I find peace. That is the feeling that I shall embrace to get me through tonight, a night filled with the terror of tomorrow's unknown. That is how I will face fear and conquer it.

The FOJG fan site has been tremendous. I have truly enjoyed meeting other fans that feel as I do about Josh and I hope to return to write about Josh again. I have to say that Josh has truly been my inspiration to write. I won't get into the details again but you never know what events are going to transpire to bring you home. I have written in journal about how dear Josh is to me; that in my world, Josh means life. The love that my heart holds for Josh is that of deep appreciation of his genuine kindness that comes from his heart through his voice and his unique style of music, and I am grateful for his lighted spirit that guided my soul to a happier place. I did not know that I could feel such love for someone that I do not really know, nor in love with, but Josh holds a very special one of a kind place in my heart.

I send my most grateful Thank You to you Josh, for all that I have learned, felt and gained from you, your spirit and your energy. I am the fortunate one to have found you. I hope that someday you will truly know of the enormous empowerment that you have been in my life and the comfort that you have brought to my heart. I wish you well, safe and happiness, always.

Take care everyone.
Love, Jan

© 2010 JR Photo of Josh Groban singing "Anthem", Hollywood Bowl, CA.

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